It was announced earlier today that the Cleveland Browns will go with Brian Hoyer at quarterback to start the regular season, much to the dismay of ESPN. Like with their former love Tim Tebow, their new love Johnny Manziel will start the season on the sidelines. Since neither Manziel nor Tebow have a whole lot to look forward to at the start of the NFL season and are each trying to vie for ESPN's continual love in spite of this, the two polar opposites will now appear on the classic game show, The Dating Game.
Host Jim Lange: "Hello there and welcome to The Dating Game, where we have two fine young men hoping for a chance to go out with our lovely bachelorette, ESPN. How are you doing today, ESPN? Am I pronouncing that name correctly?"
ESPN: "I'm pretty nervous, but excited all the same, and yes, you are indeed pronouncing my name correctly."
Lange: "That's an unusual name. Where are you from exactly?"
ESPN: "Bristol, Connecticut, actually."
Lange: "Ah, and what exactly do you do in Bristol, ESPN?"
ESPN: "I'm a sports reporter, Jim."
Lange: "Fascinating. Well, ESPN, are you ready to start asking these two potential dates some questions?"
ESPN: "I sure am."
Lange: "Alright then - let's get started, shall we? Go on and ask your first question, ESPN."
ESPN: "Thanks, Jim. Okay, so, bachelor #1, if we went out, what would we do on our first date?"
Tim Tebow: "Whatever the Lord has planned for us. I think I'd probably start by taking you to church, before going back to my place and confessing to one another about our sins. After doing so, we'd then pray for each other, for what we confessed and what we were about to do."
ESPN: "Wow... That sounds like quite the spiritual journey indeed. Bachelor #2, what would we do on our first date if we went out?"
Johnny Manziel: "I'd probably take you to a frat party, get hammered, take a bunch of crazy pictures, then ask you to be my designated driver. If you agreed, I'd give you something very special in return. Two words: Viagra ain't necessary."
ESPN: "Ooh, that sounds like fun... So, back to bachelor #1 - if we had been dating for a while and you were going to plan a special romantic evening, how would you go about that?"
Tebow: "I'd set up candles all about the room, get the fire going, play one of my hymns CDs, and while doing all this, as we'd be sitting right in front of the fireplace, I'd read the Bible to you. I'd then ask for the Lord's forgiveness for what I was about to do to you."
ESPN: "Is it getting hot in here? Wow... So, bachelor #2, what would you do for our special romantic evening?"
Manziel: "I'd (bleep) the (bleep) out of you! Well, and buy you roses and stuff."
ESPN: "It's been a while. I could probably use a night like that."
Lange: "Moving on..."
ESPN: "Sorry... Back to bachelor #1... If we got married, how hot would our sex life still be after tying the knot?"
Tebow: "I'd sleep in the same bed with you and stuff, but will be a virgin until I leave this earth."
ESPN: "Wait a minute - what all that asking-for-forgiveness-for-what-I'd-do-to-you stuff you said before?"
Tebow: "Well, yeah, I was talking about maybe going to third base or home by holding hands or cuddling."
ESPN: "Eh... Okay... Bachelor #2, if we got married, how hot do you think our sex life would be once that happened?"
Manziel: "At least twice a week, I'd have to service you in bed for 24 hours because you'd be too sore to move."
ESPN: "Ow, I mean, wow... Okay, I'll go back to bachelor #1 - if we got married, how do you picture our honeymoon?"
Tebow: "I picture a mission to Africa, where we'd help serve the less fortunate, which is of far greater importance than serving each other's needs."
ESPN: "Yes, I guess that's true. Bachelor #2, how do you picture our honeymoon if we got married?"
Manziel: "Baby, all I know is we'd be having so much fun, we better hope we take a lot of pictures, because we wouldn't remember half of it!"
ESPN: "Ha-ha. You're funny."
Manziel: "I'm serious, girl."
Lange: "Ahem..."
ESPN: "Sorry again, Jim. Okay, here's my final question to the both of you - why do you think you'd be good for me? We'll start again with bachelor #1."
Tebow: "I'm nice, innocent, pure, and I know how to have fun on bingo night. I also work hard to serve the Lord and make him happy, and would work almost as hard to serve you and make you happy."
ESPN: "Aw... Okay, bachelor #2, why do you think you'd be good for me?"
Manziel: "Because you can't spell 'awesome' without 'me,' and that's what I am, girl; I'm me and I'm awesome."
ESPN: :: chuckles ::
Lange: "So, ESPN, who is going to be the lucky man? Bachelor #1 or bachelor #2?"
ESPN: "Well, as kind as bachelor #1 seems, I'm kind of drawn to bad boys and need some naughty time, which he doesn't seem to be up for, if you know what I mean. So, I'm going to have to go with bachelor #2!"
Manziel: :: comes out and gives ESPN a big hug as the two smile widely ::
Lange: "There we have it, ladies and gentlemen! I'd like to thank both of my bachelors, the bachelorette, and all of you watching. Take care and I'll see you soon with our next episode of The Dating Game. So long."
Host Jim Lange: "Hello there and welcome to The Dating Game, where we have two fine young men hoping for a chance to go out with our lovely bachelorette, ESPN. How are you doing today, ESPN? Am I pronouncing that name correctly?"
ESPN: "I'm pretty nervous, but excited all the same, and yes, you are indeed pronouncing my name correctly."
Lange: "That's an unusual name. Where are you from exactly?"
ESPN: "Bristol, Connecticut, actually."
Lange: "Ah, and what exactly do you do in Bristol, ESPN?"
ESPN: "I'm a sports reporter, Jim."
Lange: "Fascinating. Well, ESPN, are you ready to start asking these two potential dates some questions?"
ESPN: "I sure am."
Lange: "Alright then - let's get started, shall we? Go on and ask your first question, ESPN."
ESPN: "Thanks, Jim. Okay, so, bachelor #1, if we went out, what would we do on our first date?"
Tim Tebow: "Whatever the Lord has planned for us. I think I'd probably start by taking you to church, before going back to my place and confessing to one another about our sins. After doing so, we'd then pray for each other, for what we confessed and what we were about to do."
ESPN: "Wow... That sounds like quite the spiritual journey indeed. Bachelor #2, what would we do on our first date if we went out?"
Johnny Manziel: "I'd probably take you to a frat party, get hammered, take a bunch of crazy pictures, then ask you to be my designated driver. If you agreed, I'd give you something very special in return. Two words: Viagra ain't necessary."
ESPN: "Ooh, that sounds like fun... So, back to bachelor #1 - if we had been dating for a while and you were going to plan a special romantic evening, how would you go about that?"
Tebow: "I'd set up candles all about the room, get the fire going, play one of my hymns CDs, and while doing all this, as we'd be sitting right in front of the fireplace, I'd read the Bible to you. I'd then ask for the Lord's forgiveness for what I was about to do to you."
ESPN: "Is it getting hot in here? Wow... So, bachelor #2, what would you do for our special romantic evening?"
Manziel: "I'd (bleep) the (bleep) out of you! Well, and buy you roses and stuff."
ESPN: "It's been a while. I could probably use a night like that."
Lange: "Moving on..."
ESPN: "Sorry... Back to bachelor #1... If we got married, how hot would our sex life still be after tying the knot?"
Tebow: "I'd sleep in the same bed with you and stuff, but will be a virgin until I leave this earth."
ESPN: "Wait a minute - what all that asking-for-forgiveness-for-what-I'd-do-to-you stuff you said before?"
Tebow: "Well, yeah, I was talking about maybe going to third base or home by holding hands or cuddling."
ESPN: "Eh... Okay... Bachelor #2, if we got married, how hot do you think our sex life would be once that happened?"
Manziel: "At least twice a week, I'd have to service you in bed for 24 hours because you'd be too sore to move."
ESPN: "Ow, I mean, wow... Okay, I'll go back to bachelor #1 - if we got married, how do you picture our honeymoon?"
Tebow: "I picture a mission to Africa, where we'd help serve the less fortunate, which is of far greater importance than serving each other's needs."
ESPN: "Yes, I guess that's true. Bachelor #2, how do you picture our honeymoon if we got married?"
Manziel: "Baby, all I know is we'd be having so much fun, we better hope we take a lot of pictures, because we wouldn't remember half of it!"
ESPN: "Ha-ha. You're funny."
Manziel: "I'm serious, girl."
Lange: "Ahem..."
ESPN: "Sorry again, Jim. Okay, here's my final question to the both of you - why do you think you'd be good for me? We'll start again with bachelor #1."
Tebow: "I'm nice, innocent, pure, and I know how to have fun on bingo night. I also work hard to serve the Lord and make him happy, and would work almost as hard to serve you and make you happy."
ESPN: "Aw... Okay, bachelor #2, why do you think you'd be good for me?"
Manziel: "Because you can't spell 'awesome' without 'me,' and that's what I am, girl; I'm me and I'm awesome."
ESPN: :: chuckles ::
Lange: "So, ESPN, who is going to be the lucky man? Bachelor #1 or bachelor #2?"
ESPN: "Well, as kind as bachelor #1 seems, I'm kind of drawn to bad boys and need some naughty time, which he doesn't seem to be up for, if you know what I mean. So, I'm going to have to go with bachelor #2!"
Manziel: :: comes out and gives ESPN a big hug as the two smile widely ::
Lange: "There we have it, ladies and gentlemen! I'd like to thank both of my bachelors, the bachelorette, and all of you watching. Take care and I'll see you soon with our next episode of The Dating Game. So long."
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