That was, without a doubt, the worst Super Bowl experience I've ever endured. From the unfunny commercials to the lousy game to the forgettable halftime show, the three best moments of the night were: 1) The John Malkovich pre-game shtick; 2) Gladys Knight's rendition of the National Anthem; and 3) The NFL 100 commercial. That's right, none of those grand moments actually occurred on the field during the game.
Let's start with the game. Super Bowl LIII set the following records:
- Fewest Combined Points: 16
- Fewest Points By Winning Team: 13
- Fewest Combined Points Through 3 Quarters: 6
- Fewest Combined Touchdowns: 1
- Fewest Combined Extra Points: 1
- Fewest Combined Kickoff Returns: 2
- Most Consecutive Drives Ending In A Punt: 8 (LA Rams)
- Fewest Points By A Team (tied): 3 (LA Rams)
- Fewest Touchdowns By A Team (tied): 0 (LA Rams)
- Fewest Combined Passing Touchdowns (tied): 0
There were about as many punts as points scored in last night's game. Things were so bad that Jim Nantz got excited after the Rams kicked a record-breaking 65-yard punt in the 3rd quarter. Sadly, that remained one of the high points for the Rams through the rest of the game. There wasn't a red-zone possession until midway in the 4th quarter. Kickers outscored skill-position players 10-6. The high-flying Rams offense were held to well under 300 yards of total offense, and even that number is misleading, for they gained 70+ in garbage time. There's a stark difference between a true defensive slugfest and a rotten game. Unfortunately, Super Bowl LIII was the latter. Sure, the Rams' defense played well enough to win, but they did it in a bend-but-don't-break kind of way and Golden Boy Tom Brady wasn't at his most efficient. The Patriots defense came to play, but that had as much to do with the Rams' bad play-calling and lack of adjustments as it did with their great play. Place all of those components and what do you have? A snoozer, "bigly," as Trump might say.
Not all of the commercials were bad, but I think I chuckled less than a handful of times throughout the course of the night. What happened to funny commercials? Instead we got: A creepy robot from TurboTax; car commercials which don't feature a single car until the final second, leaving people wondering until that point what in the hell the creators were selling; Jeff Bridges and Sarah Jessica Parker just basically saying, "Oh, you drink that? Me too. Sweet;" Pepsi branding itself as "more than okay;" a hybrid of "dilly dilly" and Game of Thrones (is there going to be an upcoming episode entitled, "Dilly Dilly" or something?); T-Mobile text messages; Andy Warhol eating a Whopper; etc. To me, while there were some mediocre commercials, the two lone standouts were the Washington Post Tom Hanks-narrated ad and the previously-mentioned NFL 100 commercial. If it was advertisers' New Year's resolution to break the Guinness Book of World Record for awkward robot appearances in Super Bowl ads, I think they can proudly say, "Mission accomplished!"
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the halftime show. Maroon 5, Travis Scott, and Big Boi put on a, uh, show? Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine sounded offkey throughout much of the band's performance. Then, for whatever reason, a pair of rappers decided to join the party and make Levine look awkward in the process. I'll never be able to forget his sad attempt at dance moves... Once Travis Scott and Big Boi exited the stage, Levine, perhaps knowing things weren't going very well, decided to remove his shirt and strut his stuff. So that was special. If looking at Adam Levine's tattoos and nipples are your thing, perhaps you could have pressed "mute" and enjoyed the show. Otherwise, it was nothing to write home about.
Punts galore. Creepy robots. Adam Levine's nipples. Yeah, this was one Super Bowl Sunday I'd like to soon forget...
Let's start with the game. Super Bowl LIII set the following records:
- Fewest Combined Points: 16
- Fewest Points By Winning Team: 13
- Fewest Combined Points Through 3 Quarters: 6
- Fewest Combined Touchdowns: 1
- Fewest Combined Extra Points: 1
- Fewest Combined Kickoff Returns: 2
- Most Consecutive Drives Ending In A Punt: 8 (LA Rams)
- Fewest Points By A Team (tied): 3 (LA Rams)
- Fewest Touchdowns By A Team (tied): 0 (LA Rams)
- Fewest Combined Passing Touchdowns (tied): 0
There were about as many punts as points scored in last night's game. Things were so bad that Jim Nantz got excited after the Rams kicked a record-breaking 65-yard punt in the 3rd quarter. Sadly, that remained one of the high points for the Rams through the rest of the game. There wasn't a red-zone possession until midway in the 4th quarter. Kickers outscored skill-position players 10-6. The high-flying Rams offense were held to well under 300 yards of total offense, and even that number is misleading, for they gained 70+ in garbage time. There's a stark difference between a true defensive slugfest and a rotten game. Unfortunately, Super Bowl LIII was the latter. Sure, the Rams' defense played well enough to win, but they did it in a bend-but-don't-break kind of way and Golden Boy Tom Brady wasn't at his most efficient. The Patriots defense came to play, but that had as much to do with the Rams' bad play-calling and lack of adjustments as it did with their great play. Place all of those components and what do you have? A snoozer, "bigly," as Trump might say.
Not all of the commercials were bad, but I think I chuckled less than a handful of times throughout the course of the night. What happened to funny commercials? Instead we got: A creepy robot from TurboTax; car commercials which don't feature a single car until the final second, leaving people wondering until that point what in the hell the creators were selling; Jeff Bridges and Sarah Jessica Parker just basically saying, "Oh, you drink that? Me too. Sweet;" Pepsi branding itself as "more than okay;" a hybrid of "dilly dilly" and Game of Thrones (is there going to be an upcoming episode entitled, "Dilly Dilly" or something?); T-Mobile text messages; Andy Warhol eating a Whopper; etc. To me, while there were some mediocre commercials, the two lone standouts were the Washington Post Tom Hanks-narrated ad and the previously-mentioned NFL 100 commercial. If it was advertisers' New Year's resolution to break the Guinness Book of World Record for awkward robot appearances in Super Bowl ads, I think they can proudly say, "Mission accomplished!"
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the halftime show. Maroon 5, Travis Scott, and Big Boi put on a, uh, show? Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine sounded offkey throughout much of the band's performance. Then, for whatever reason, a pair of rappers decided to join the party and make Levine look awkward in the process. I'll never be able to forget his sad attempt at dance moves... Once Travis Scott and Big Boi exited the stage, Levine, perhaps knowing things weren't going very well, decided to remove his shirt and strut his stuff. So that was special. If looking at Adam Levine's tattoos and nipples are your thing, perhaps you could have pressed "mute" and enjoyed the show. Otherwise, it was nothing to write home about.
Punts galore. Creepy robots. Adam Levine's nipples. Yeah, this was one Super Bowl Sunday I'd like to soon forget...
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