Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 73: "'How Not to Parent' by the GOP" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 73: "How Not to Parent" by the GOP

Premiere Date: 9/25/20

Length: 6:08 (967 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/how-not-to-parent-by-the-gop/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 73, entitled, “’How Not to Parent’ by the GOP.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

In a lot of ways, the government is like the parents of adults. While parents tell their kids not to touch a burning stove with a stern voice, the government tells adults not to chug Clorox via mandated warning labels. Well, not all government officials say this. Just look at Trump, but I digress. They’ll say: helmets and seatbelts good; smoking bad; food good, no, bad, well, maybe good and bad.

 

Well, that got me to thinking, with all of the politicians’ mixed messaging regarding the COVID pandemic, it’s kind of crazy to stand back and realize how differently the two parties treat us – you know, as their adult children. Just imagine if they treated their own kids in such a manner. Here, let me paint you such a picture via this dialogue between a Democrat, played by yours truly, and a Republican, in the voice of Donald Trump – well, my version of him, anyway.

 

Me: “So, I had to take my son to the doctor today. Looks like he’s got a cold.”

 

Trump: “Let me guess, Mr. Doctor Person told you to make sure he gets lots of rest, drinks plenty of liquids, eats shitty soup, and other stuff.”

 

Me: “Well, not in those exact words, but yeah.”

 

Trump: “You see? That’s the problem with doctors. They think they know stuff about medicine and health.”

 

Me: “They don’t?”

 

Trump: “Look, I know more about doctor shit than even doctors do, believe me!”

 

Me: “Okay… You have kids, right? What did you do when they got a cold?”

 

Trump: “I would tell them that doctors are a Jiiinese hoax; to take Viagra; and to walk into nursing homes and cough in people’s faces.”

 

Me: “Wait, what? Don’t they have healthcare?”

 

Trump: “They did, but I took it from them.”

 

Me: “Why? What if something happens? Isn’t that costly and dangerous?”

 

Trump: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I got their pre-existing conditions covered.”

 

Me: “But they don’t have healthcare.”

 

Trump: “I know.”

 

Me: “Eh, that’s part of a healthcare plan – having your pre-existing conditions covered.”

 

Trump: “That’s like your opinion.”

 

Me: “No, more like a fact.”

 

Trump: “Trust me, pre-existing conditions? Covered.”

 

Me: “With what, a hat?”

 

Trump: “An umbrella”

 

Me: “Alright. So, what are your kids doing now? They’re all grown up, right?”

 

Trump: “Well, I made sure my favorite – Ivanka – got the best job. Then what she makes will trickle down to the others. She deserves it. She’s hot.”

 

Me: “This is your daughter you’re talking about?”

 

Trump: “Yeah, who else would I be talking about?”

 

Me: “Oh, I don’t know… So, football’s started again. Did you ever play?”

 

Trump: “I was so good, I made Jerry Rice look like Larry Bird.”

 

Me: “That doesn’t make any sense.”

 

Trump: “Whatever. I loved it until my kids came home wearing helmets, pads, and shit.”

 

Me: “You don’t approve of that? What about when riding a motorcycle?”

 

Trump: “People should go on those things naked for all I care.”

 

Me: “What about food and medicine? Don’t you feel more secure when they’re FDA-approved? Especially when it’s your very own children consuming the products?”

 

Trump: “Not at all. If there’s no testing, there can’t be anything wrong with it.”

 

Me: “You know that’s not how it actually works, right?”

 

Trump: “What do you mean?”

 

Me: “If a woman with a baby popping out of her belly doesn’t take a pregnancy test, does that mean she’s not pregnant?”

 

Trump: “Of course”

 

Me: “Then what is that inside of her?”

 

Trump: “Probably just a lot of beer. It’s why I don’t drink.”

 

Me: “You are very fit.”

 

Trump: “Oh, you have no idea. You wouldn’t even know.”

 

Me: “Okay, so if one of your kids were to get arrested, who would it be?”

 

Trump: “Little Don, no question.”

 

Me: “…and why’s that?”

 

Trump: “He looks Mexican.”

 

Me: “Do you think that’s fair or right?”

 

Trump: “Both. He might be a drug-dealer or a rapist.”

 

Me: “I can’t believe you’re going there with your own son.”

 

Trump: “Hey, it’s true. I even built a fort for him at home, called the bigly rapist wall and I made him pay me back his allowance to get out and eat supper.”

 

Me: “What the hell? You did this when he was a kid?”

 

Trump: “No, it was just last week.”

 

Me: “Did it work?”

 

Trump: “I think his brothers and sisters felt safer.”

 

Me: “Wow, so what other weird rules or parenting philosophies do you have?”

 

Trump: “None of my parenting philadendrens are weird.”

 

Me: “Sure, what about marriage? Do you have any specific rules concerning that?”

 

Trump: “No. Oh, just that Tiffany can’t get married.”

 

Me: “Tiffany can’t? Why on earth not?”

 

Trump: “It’s in the Bible. Tiffanys marrying is an abomination.”

 

Me: “I never read that version. What about education? Did they all receive good schooling?”

 

Trump: “Oh, the best. I paid a lot of bad money on them.”

 

Me: “The tuition?”

 

Trump: “No, the nerds that did their work for them.”

 

Me: “So, you’re all about teaching responsibility, I take it?”

 

Trump: “If my middle name wasn’t J, it’d be Personal Responsibility.”

 

Me: “What are your feelings about masks?”

 

Trump: “For what, the penis?”

 

Me: “That’s called a condom.”

 

Trump: “Look, if a guy gets a girl pregnant, she should be able to decide whether or not his penis gets cut off.”

 

Me: “What?”

 

Trump: “Oh, nothing. So, anyway, back to the penis masks…”

 

…and scene.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.