What I learned in Week 12 of the NFL season

In Week 12 of the NFL season I learned that...

- ..., no matter how many points the Detroit Lions might be up, you've got them right where you want them.

- ..., after the season, Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell will form the cover band Beers For Tears.

- ..., given the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback's level of speed, the slowest animal in the world will now be referred to as the Slothlisberger.

- ...Clark Griswold has a better chance of winning at blackjack than an NFL analyst has at accurately predicting what the Las Vegas Raiders will do on any given week.

- ...Ryan Tannehill without Derrick Henry is like an elderly Neo without a blue pill; it just doesn't work.

- ...Cam Newton has proven you truly don't know what you have until it's gone, comes back, and totally sucks the second time.

- ...Kirk Cousins has shown the world one potential side effect of not getting vaccinated is attempting to handle balls under big men's butts that aren't there.

- ...Cris Collinsworth doesn't need porn so long as he can watch Lamar Jackson miss open targets and expertly hit opponent's corners in stride.

- ...Baker Mayfield's next commercial will inevitably be with LifeCall, where he cries out, "I've fallen...and I can't get up!"

- ...Atlanta's C. Patterson plays so many positions, the ancient text will soon be retitled, "Cordarrelle Sutra."