GOP guarantees victory after presenting a black lesbian as their nominee

In a move which surprised even God, the Republican Party has guaranteed a victory in the upcoming presidential election, as they declared that an African-American lesbian will be their lone candidate, and due to that, their nominee.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said this about the party's decision: 

"We were getting a little fed up with all the talk about our party waging a war against women, being anti-gay, and being unappealing to minorities. So we thought Destiny Beaver would be the perfect nominee to help improve our image among women, African-Americans, and the LGQRWXYZ community, or whatever in the heck that is, and would guarantee us a victory come election day because of that. I mean, just look at it this way: We've always had the white men's vote; now we've also got the women's vote, the blacks' vote, the queers' vote, and maybe some other dark-skinned people's votes too. We can't lose!"

McConnell was then asked how Destiny Beaver would appeal to women, the LGBT community, and minorities from a policy standpoint, and here is what he had to say: 

"Destiny Beaver is a true conservative through and through. She's a good God-fearing woman, believes guns should be included with napkins and silverware at every restaurant, and that the word taxes should be banned in this country. Not only that, but she's against equal pay for women, against women receiving contraception coverage with their employers' healthcare plans, and against abortion in each and every possible scenario. She's also rightly said that Black Lives Matter isn't too far removed from ISIS and that marriage is between one man and one woman, sometimes multiple times. So, like I said, she's going to appeal to conservative voters, as well as typically liberal voters. We can't lose!"

Not long after these statements were released, polls showed Ms Beaver's approval rating at just 11% among women, 4% among LGBTs, and 1% among African-Americans. Fox News has called this poll "liberally-biased," even though they were the ones who conducted it in the first place. Other media outlets have since followed Fox's lead, all reporting that Destiny Beaver has less chance of winning the election than Donald Trump has of being named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive."