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GOP Presidential Candidates' New Year's Resolutions

With New Year's right around the corner, I thought I'd provide some fitting resolutions for every GOP presidential candidate from this election season (yes, all 17 of them). Here they are in alphabetical order:

Jeb Bush - To not place a "Mission  Accomplished" banner behind him during a speech when he's in 5th place

Ben Carson - To sound more exciting than a passed out Ben Stein when debating

Chris Christie - To release an autobiography, entitled, I'm the Real Godfather, Motherf**kers!

Ted Cruz - To quote every word from the film A Princess Bride while again trying to convince Congress to repeal Obamacare

Carly Fiorina - To write a children's book, entitled, What Planned Parenthood Could Have Done To You

Jim Gilmore - To be known by more than 43 people in the country

Lindsey Graham - To dispel gay rumors by dressing in camo and hunting bears in the woods, all the while fanning himself and singing showtunes

Mike Huckabee - To photoshop all his photos with Josh Duggar by replacing his face with Jared Fogle's

Bobby Jindal - To start a new series, entitled, America's Most Awkward Home Videos

John Kasich - To dedicate the Puddle of Mudd song, "Psycho," to Donald Trump on the radio

George Pataki - To do the inevitable and start a new Italian restaurant

Rand Paul - To write a book, entitled, How To Make Your Hair Like A Chia Pet

Rick Perry - To learn how to count to 5

Marco Rubio - To develop some roadie fangirls who will get him two coolers of water at the snap of his fingers

Rick Santorum - To alter his name to something a little less unsettling for him - Sanitarium

Donald Trump - To start a zoo featuring all the animals that have lived on his head, calling it, "Trump's Dump"

Scott Walker - To renew vows with his wife so long as she swears she would have voted for him had he been the party's nominee
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