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GOP goes with a virgin surgeon over an experienced one

In a surprise move, 50 million registered Republicans have opted to get treated by self-certified surgeon Ronald Dump of Dump University over Dr. Mallory Smitten, who has been operating on patients for over two decades. According to Mr. Dump's website, he's never operated on a person and never been in med school, but did dress up like a doctor on Halloween in college.

When I caught up with Mr. Dump and asked him about the matter, here's what he told me:

"Look, I just know how to do things, how to get things done. Put me in one of those special rooms, put a robe on me or whatever, hand me a thermometer thing, a mask deal, and an axe or something, and I'm going to do an unbelievable job, believe me. Just tremendous, fantastic, unbelievable."

Following this statement, here's what a few of Mr. Dump's new patients had to say on Twitter:

- "The guy just tells it like it is." - Username Tweetledum

- "Orange is the new lifesaver!" - Username AcidTripping247

- "He makes me feel safe." - Username HashtagStupid

- "No experience is good experience!" - Username The80YearOldVirgin

- "Why an axe and not a knife or a hammer?" - Username BenCarson
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