I read the full 2-hour transcript of the Musk-Trump "interview." Here is my satirical take on it.
Musk: "Welcome to the most important interview in the history of the galaxy. Joining me now is the 45th President of these United States and the Republican nominee for the foreseeable future - Donald Trump. Now, before we get started, I just want to get this out of the way. This is in no way a partisan interview. I am very moderate, some would say liberal. I just call it common sense. Having said that, Donald Trump is the second coming of Jesus and only he can save us. Do you think that's fair?"
Trump: "I think that's very fair, very, very fair. It's not the first time I've been told I look like Jesus or that he looks like me. It just comes with the territory. And it's a great territory - the very best territory. You've been to this territory, haven't you?"
Musk: "Many times, many, many times."
Trump: "Isn't it fantastic? This territory?"
Musk: "Amazing, simply amazing."
Trump: "You know, whenever I hear the word 'amazing,' or even if I just see part of the word - like 'am,' I can't help but think about that precious song I always sing in church - 'Amazing Face.' Whenever I sing it, I think about my beautiful wife, Melanie. Have you seen her? Isn't she? Isn't she an amazing face?"
Musk: "Yes, if she were single and I wanted children #76 and possibly #77, I'd tap that."
Trump: "Isn't this great? Talking about the issues - amazing faces; songs about Jesus or whatever; tapping beautiful women - this is what the people are voting for, bigly."
Musk: "You're absolutely right. Speaking of which, let's dig into some of these issues."
Trump: "Yes, let's. I'm ready for whatever you throw at me, Musky, anything at all. I've got my catcher's mitt on, my rectal padding, everything - but no mask. I'm not a pu$$y."
Musk: "No, and you proved that when you almost got shot to death. Like, you know, do you remember that?"
Trump: "Very fondly"
Musk: "Fondly?"
Trump: "Yes, very. People, all over the universe, could see right there, in that instant, God was on my side. He was around me. He was in me. He was everywhere, in, with, and around me."
Musk: "And like, you know, like, so, um, like, you also looked really tough. I mean, after you were shot; you stood right up, and yelled to fight. I mean, who knew if there were any other shooters? If you'd pop up; yell to fight; and then get shot again? If that's not an alpha move, I don't know what is."
Trump: "I learned the alphabet at a very young age, Elon, very, very young. I bet even younger than you. At what age did you learn your ABZs?"
Musk: "Not as young as you, that's for sure. Moving on to, you know, like crime and stuff. What...?"
Trump: "Oh, that's an excellent question. You see, you can't get these types of hard-hitting questions from the lamestream media. This is the real stuff. It's good, pure stuff. So good."
Musk: "And that's why we need you as President, Mr. President - because you're not afraid to tackle the hard issues, answer the tough questions. For that, I commend you."
Trump: "Well, thank you, Elon. That means a lot to me. Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are? You have an amazing face too. I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin'."
Musk: "Thank you. Can you see that? I'm blushing."
Trump: "This has to be the most non-partisan interview, like, ever. When I say 'ever,' I mean like ever, ever."
Musk: "Ever, ever, ever?"
Trump: "Like, ever, ever, ever, ever"
Musk: "Like... Okay, this could go on for a while, I'm afraid. Let's talk about your opponent, Vice President Kamala Harris."
Trump: "She's stupid. She can't even speak good."
Musk: "Agreed. And like I already mentioned about you being alpha..."
Trump: "I know the alphabet better than anyone, believe me."
Musk: "Right, but like people are afraid of you. They're not afraid of Biden, and certainly aren't afraid of Kamala."
Trump: "You're right. Joe is old and Kamala is, well, you know."
Musk: "Like, I know, but do you know? Do they know, like, you know?"
Trump: "I think, you know, they know like, they really know, but like for those that don't like know, I think this like, you know, interview, will show them what we already know and they should know, you know?"
Musk: "Word"
Trump: "For real"
Musk: "Totally"
Trump: "Like, yeah"
Musk: "I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this interview. I'm learning so much right now, as I'm sure all our listeners are. For my final question, your trials, your convictions..."
Trump: "Nobody has asked me a question about that like that before. You are a genius interviewer, I have to say. If I get elected, if there's a fair election and we're able to stop counts after I take the lead in every state, I want to name you Interviewer in Chief or Secretary of Interviews. Would you like that?"
Musk: "More than I want to mount your wife."
Trump: "That's so sweet. I think we could be BFFs. What do you say?"
Musk: "I thought you'd never ask. I love you."
Trump: "I love you too."
Musk: "Wow, was that a moment for the ages or what, folks? I just, I'm beside myself."
Trump: "That's hard to do, but if anyone can do it, it's you."
Musk: "I didn't mean I was literally beside myself, but I take your point."
Trump: "But you were literally besides yourself, but not in a literal way."
Musk: "Way!"
Trump: "But not Christopher W(r)ay. He's kind of a loser."
Musk: "True. Okay, I'm being told I have time for one last question. Illegal immigration..."
Trump: "When I was president, we had a giant force-field, which pushed out anyone trying to cross our border illegally. No one came here, absolutely no one. Things were perfect. There were no battles in the entire world; no hungry people; no deaths. Nothing. It was like a ufropia. Right as I left office, Mexicans started bringing rocket launchers across our border, with no problem. Beep, boop, beep, and our nation was filled with grenade launchers. Wars started all over the place. Israel and Palestine were at complete peace throughout their histories, until Biden took over, and now look at them. Russia has been the most peaceful country ever, and my buddy, Vladimir Putin? He's like a little puppy - so sweet, people don't even know. Now there's drugs here I'd never even heard of before. Weed? Like, in a garden? If I get elected again, I promise you there will be no more weed; there will be no more gardens."
Musk: "And that's all the time we have for today. Thank you to my hero, my lord, my savior, Donald J. Trump."
Trump: "You're welcome, my Musk-ox."
Musk: "And I, like, you know, hope you dear listeners learned a thing or two today; hope you took this 100% unbiased interview and will make it the main factor in how you vote in November. Goodnight. Hey, do you have anything to snort?"
Trump: "Just some Adderall"
Musk: "Not strong enough. Oh, we're still live? Goodnight, America."
Trump: "Did they hear that last part?"
Musk: "I don't care. I just need something hard. Is the mic still on? How TF do you work this thing?"
Trump: "Here, let me try."
Musk: "No, that's not it."
Trump: "Come on, loosen up. I know what I'm doing."
Musk: "Yeah, but why would I put the mic down there?"
Trump: "It's what I do. I call it my mini-mic."
:: We're experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. ::
#MuskTrumpInterview #VoteKamalaHarrisAndTimWalz2024ToSaveAmerica
Musk: "Welcome to the most important interview in the history of the galaxy. Joining me now is the 45th President of these United States and the Republican nominee for the foreseeable future - Donald Trump. Now, before we get started, I just want to get this out of the way. This is in no way a partisan interview. I am very moderate, some would say liberal. I just call it common sense. Having said that, Donald Trump is the second coming of Jesus and only he can save us. Do you think that's fair?"
Trump: "I think that's very fair, very, very fair. It's not the first time I've been told I look like Jesus or that he looks like me. It just comes with the territory. And it's a great territory - the very best territory. You've been to this territory, haven't you?"
Musk: "Many times, many, many times."
Trump: "Isn't it fantastic? This territory?"
Musk: "Amazing, simply amazing."
Trump: "You know, whenever I hear the word 'amazing,' or even if I just see part of the word - like 'am,' I can't help but think about that precious song I always sing in church - 'Amazing Face.' Whenever I sing it, I think about my beautiful wife, Melanie. Have you seen her? Isn't she? Isn't she an amazing face?"
Musk: "Yes, if she were single and I wanted children #76 and possibly #77, I'd tap that."
Trump: "Isn't this great? Talking about the issues - amazing faces; songs about Jesus or whatever; tapping beautiful women - this is what the people are voting for, bigly."
Musk: "You're absolutely right. Speaking of which, let's dig into some of these issues."
Trump: "Yes, let's. I'm ready for whatever you throw at me, Musky, anything at all. I've got my catcher's mitt on, my rectal padding, everything - but no mask. I'm not a pu$$y."
Musk: "No, and you proved that when you almost got shot to death. Like, you know, do you remember that?"
Trump: "Very fondly"
Musk: "Fondly?"
Trump: "Yes, very. People, all over the universe, could see right there, in that instant, God was on my side. He was around me. He was in me. He was everywhere, in, with, and around me."
Musk: "And like, you know, like, so, um, like, you also looked really tough. I mean, after you were shot; you stood right up, and yelled to fight. I mean, who knew if there were any other shooters? If you'd pop up; yell to fight; and then get shot again? If that's not an alpha move, I don't know what is."
Trump: "I learned the alphabet at a very young age, Elon, very, very young. I bet even younger than you. At what age did you learn your ABZs?"
Musk: "Not as young as you, that's for sure. Moving on to, you know, like crime and stuff. What...?"
Trump: "Oh, that's an excellent question. You see, you can't get these types of hard-hitting questions from the lamestream media. This is the real stuff. It's good, pure stuff. So good."
Musk: "And that's why we need you as President, Mr. President - because you're not afraid to tackle the hard issues, answer the tough questions. For that, I commend you."
Trump: "Well, thank you, Elon. That means a lot to me. Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are? You have an amazing face too. I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin'."
Musk: "Thank you. Can you see that? I'm blushing."
Trump: "This has to be the most non-partisan interview, like, ever. When I say 'ever,' I mean like ever, ever."
Musk: "Ever, ever, ever?"
Trump: "Like, ever, ever, ever, ever"
Musk: "Like... Okay, this could go on for a while, I'm afraid. Let's talk about your opponent, Vice President Kamala Harris."
Trump: "She's stupid. She can't even speak good."
Musk: "Agreed. And like I already mentioned about you being alpha..."
Trump: "I know the alphabet better than anyone, believe me."
Musk: "Right, but like people are afraid of you. They're not afraid of Biden, and certainly aren't afraid of Kamala."
Trump: "You're right. Joe is old and Kamala is, well, you know."
Musk: "Like, I know, but do you know? Do they know, like, you know?"
Trump: "I think, you know, they know like, they really know, but like for those that don't like know, I think this like, you know, interview, will show them what we already know and they should know, you know?"
Musk: "Word"
Trump: "For real"
Musk: "Totally"
Trump: "Like, yeah"
Musk: "I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this interview. I'm learning so much right now, as I'm sure all our listeners are. For my final question, your trials, your convictions..."
Trump: "Nobody has asked me a question about that like that before. You are a genius interviewer, I have to say. If I get elected, if there's a fair election and we're able to stop counts after I take the lead in every state, I want to name you Interviewer in Chief or Secretary of Interviews. Would you like that?"
Musk: "More than I want to mount your wife."
Trump: "That's so sweet. I think we could be BFFs. What do you say?"
Musk: "I thought you'd never ask. I love you."
Trump: "I love you too."
Musk: "Wow, was that a moment for the ages or what, folks? I just, I'm beside myself."
Trump: "That's hard to do, but if anyone can do it, it's you."
Musk: "I didn't mean I was literally beside myself, but I take your point."
Trump: "But you were literally besides yourself, but not in a literal way."
Musk: "Way!"
Trump: "But not Christopher W(r)ay. He's kind of a loser."
Musk: "True. Okay, I'm being told I have time for one last question. Illegal immigration..."
Trump: "When I was president, we had a giant force-field, which pushed out anyone trying to cross our border illegally. No one came here, absolutely no one. Things were perfect. There were no battles in the entire world; no hungry people; no deaths. Nothing. It was like a ufropia. Right as I left office, Mexicans started bringing rocket launchers across our border, with no problem. Beep, boop, beep, and our nation was filled with grenade launchers. Wars started all over the place. Israel and Palestine were at complete peace throughout their histories, until Biden took over, and now look at them. Russia has been the most peaceful country ever, and my buddy, Vladimir Putin? He's like a little puppy - so sweet, people don't even know. Now there's drugs here I'd never even heard of before. Weed? Like, in a garden? If I get elected again, I promise you there will be no more weed; there will be no more gardens."
Musk: "And that's all the time we have for today. Thank you to my hero, my lord, my savior, Donald J. Trump."
Trump: "You're welcome, my Musk-ox."
Musk: "And I, like, you know, hope you dear listeners learned a thing or two today; hope you took this 100% unbiased interview and will make it the main factor in how you vote in November. Goodnight. Hey, do you have anything to snort?"
Trump: "Just some Adderall"
Musk: "Not strong enough. Oh, we're still live? Goodnight, America."
Trump: "Did they hear that last part?"
Musk: "I don't care. I just need something hard. Is the mic still on? How TF do you work this thing?"
Trump: "Here, let me try."
Musk: "No, that's not it."
Trump: "Come on, loosen up. I know what I'm doing."
Musk: "Yeah, but why would I put the mic down there?"
Trump: "It's what I do. I call it my mini-mic."
:: We're experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. ::
#MuskTrumpInterview #VoteKamalaHarrisAndTimWalz2024ToSaveAmerica
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