“Can you pass the bong?”
As he took an inhale that would make Cheech and Chong proud, President McDonald prepared to make the most important speech in history.
McDonald cleared his throat, before saying, “Okay. Has everyone taken three hits yet? Yes? Okay, good. As we discuss the matters at hand, feel free to eat some of the doughnuts, brownies, cookies, Twinkies and celery I’ve provided for you all. Alright, now onto more important issues. The people are getting out of control. They have no respect for us. Just the other day, a homeless guy gave Jerry over here a wedgie. For the record, this homeless guy is nicknamed Sloth. It’s time we find a way to seize more power and control. We’ve got to make the people fear us. How do we do this? I’m open to any and all suggestions. Yes, Jerry…”
Jerry: “What if I start running naked around town?”
McDonald: “Well, I suppose that would instill fear in people, women in particular. Have you seen a doctor about that yet?”
Jerry: “No. It just won’t stop itching!”
McDonald: “Yeah, I’m not thinking that’s going to work. Anybody else? Yes, Billy Bob…”
Billy Bob: “We should all carry with us two shotguns and for anyone who criticizes or questions us, we shoot them.”
McDonald: “Again, I think that would definitely make the people fear us, but if we shot everyone who criticized or questioned us, we’d wind up with just us left, so I’m not thinking that’s going to work either. Yes, Jeremiah…”
Jeremiah: “For anyone that swears, we will beat them.”
McDonald: “Well, sh*t. Outside of you, Jeremiah, we’d all be screwed. Next?”
Abe: “What if we made up a story?”
McDonald: “Okay. I’m curious. A story about what exactly?”
Abe: “A story like Santa Claus. If people are good, obey the laws, that kind of thing, they will
be rewarded. If not, they will be punished.”
McDonald: “Come on, Abe! Only children believe in Santa Claus! What about the adults? The people we’re really worried about? The adults? Are they going to believe this story?”
Abe: “It can’t hurt to try.”
McDonald: “Okay, go on…”
Abe: “Alright, what are people most afraid of besides public speaking? Death. Let’s make up a story where it states that if you’re good, you’ll live forever. You’ll die, but then live again. If you don’t obey the laws, then you will be forever punished, a permanent wedgie like Jerry received last week.”
McDonald: “Okay, so, I’ll bite. We’ll need a charismatic leader who will allow the good people to live again and we need to find an evil character to punish all the wretched souls.”
Abe: “Well, we’re talking about good and evil here. Good and Evil? No, that’s too obvious. Goodo and Eval? No, that sounds Spanglish and phony. What about something like God and Devil?”
McDonald: “God and Devil? I think I like it. Let’s go with this. Alright, how’s about some rules for the people to follow?”
Abe: “Don’t steal.”
Billy Bob: “Don’t kill unless the person is asking for it.”
Jerry: “Don’t give wedgies.”
McDonald: “I’ll add one. Don’t sleep with other guy’s wives, unless they’re really hot. Any others?”
Broxton: “Don’t get high unless you’re with us.”
McDonald: “Beautiful! Speaking of which, does anybody see someone walking on water over there?”
Jerry: “You’re just seeing things, man.”
McDonald: “No, seriously, that guy in the robe and sandals, standing on the table, is he really walking on water?”
Jerry: “Jesus Christ!”
As he took an inhale that would make Cheech and Chong proud, President McDonald prepared to make the most important speech in history.
McDonald cleared his throat, before saying, “Okay. Has everyone taken three hits yet? Yes? Okay, good. As we discuss the matters at hand, feel free to eat some of the doughnuts, brownies, cookies, Twinkies and celery I’ve provided for you all. Alright, now onto more important issues. The people are getting out of control. They have no respect for us. Just the other day, a homeless guy gave Jerry over here a wedgie. For the record, this homeless guy is nicknamed Sloth. It’s time we find a way to seize more power and control. We’ve got to make the people fear us. How do we do this? I’m open to any and all suggestions. Yes, Jerry…”
Jerry: “What if I start running naked around town?”
McDonald: “Well, I suppose that would instill fear in people, women in particular. Have you seen a doctor about that yet?”
Jerry: “No. It just won’t stop itching!”
McDonald: “Yeah, I’m not thinking that’s going to work. Anybody else? Yes, Billy Bob…”
Billy Bob: “We should all carry with us two shotguns and for anyone who criticizes or questions us, we shoot them.”
McDonald: “Again, I think that would definitely make the people fear us, but if we shot everyone who criticized or questioned us, we’d wind up with just us left, so I’m not thinking that’s going to work either. Yes, Jeremiah…”
Jeremiah: “For anyone that swears, we will beat them.”
McDonald: “Well, sh*t. Outside of you, Jeremiah, we’d all be screwed. Next?”
Abe: “What if we made up a story?”
McDonald: “Okay. I’m curious. A story about what exactly?”
Abe: “A story like Santa Claus. If people are good, obey the laws, that kind of thing, they will
be rewarded. If not, they will be punished.”
McDonald: “Come on, Abe! Only children believe in Santa Claus! What about the adults? The people we’re really worried about? The adults? Are they going to believe this story?”
Abe: “It can’t hurt to try.”
McDonald: “Okay, go on…”
Abe: “Alright, what are people most afraid of besides public speaking? Death. Let’s make up a story where it states that if you’re good, you’ll live forever. You’ll die, but then live again. If you don’t obey the laws, then you will be forever punished, a permanent wedgie like Jerry received last week.”
McDonald: “Okay, so, I’ll bite. We’ll need a charismatic leader who will allow the good people to live again and we need to find an evil character to punish all the wretched souls.”
Abe: “Well, we’re talking about good and evil here. Good and Evil? No, that’s too obvious. Goodo and Eval? No, that sounds Spanglish and phony. What about something like God and Devil?”
McDonald: “God and Devil? I think I like it. Let’s go with this. Alright, how’s about some rules for the people to follow?”
Abe: “Don’t steal.”
Billy Bob: “Don’t kill unless the person is asking for it.”
Jerry: “Don’t give wedgies.”
McDonald: “I’ll add one. Don’t sleep with other guy’s wives, unless they’re really hot. Any others?”
Broxton: “Don’t get high unless you’re with us.”
McDonald: “Beautiful! Speaking of which, does anybody see someone walking on water over there?”
Jerry: “You’re just seeing things, man.”
McDonald: “No, seriously, that guy in the robe and sandals, standing on the table, is he really walking on water?”
Jerry: “Jesus Christ!”
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