Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 122: "Choppers Without Filters," is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 122: Choppers Without Filters

Premiere Date: 3/10/21

Length: 3:43 (588 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/choppers-without-filters/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 122, entitled, “Choppers Without Filters.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

In the past week, the Republican-led Arizona House passed a bill to provide business owners the right to deny any city or state regulations on mask-wearing at their establishments. Joseph Chaplik, the bill’s sponsor, had this to say about it:

 

“HIV was going to wipe our global destruction of human bodies with AIDS. We heard about that in the ‘80s, yet no masks were required.”

 

This may very well be the stupidest anti-mask argument I’ve heard yet. AIDS isn’t transferred via air or water, but through bodily fluids. You’ll never hear the following back-and-forth:

 

“Here, I’ll blow you a kiss.”

 

“No thanks. I don’t want AIDS.”

 

Given this rationale, I thought we could play a game. Let’s look at several different situations and conditions and apply Douche Chaplik’s if-masks-don’t-work-for-everything-they-work-for-nothing card.

 

Pregnancy (a conversation between a boyfriend and girlfriend)

Girlfriend: “I have something I need to tell you.”

 

Boyfriend: “Oh, oh. What’s up?”

 

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant.”

 

Boyfriend: “What the hell? How could that happen?”

 

Girlfriend: “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

 

Boyfriend: “Are you sure it’s mine?”

 

Girlfriend: “Of course it is! How dare you!”

 

Boyfriend: “Hey, hey, calm down. I just don’t know how it happened. I’ve always used protection with you.”

 

Girlfriend: “Yes, yes, I know.”

 

Boyfriend: “Magnums, every single time!”

 

Girlfriend: “That’s what you said.”

 

Boyfriend: “Oh, stop it! That shit covered up my entire face! There’s no way I could’ve gotten you pregnant!”

 

 

Gunshot to the head (a conversation from a couple of cops)

Cop #1: “Okay, so catch me up. What happened?”

 

Cop #2: “The victim walked out of this convenience store over here. Someone apparently yelled, ‘Stop or my mom will shoot!’ The victim didn’t stop. He kept inching closer and closer to the voice, until the firearm was literally touching his forehead. The shooter then fired, and that was it. Game over.”

 

Cop #1: “Did he have a seatbelt on or anything?”

 

Cop #2: “No, as you can see, sir, this happened outside of his vehicle. Face-to-face, just outside of this convenience store.”

 

Cop #1: “Well, shit, man. You know, it’s a shame.”

 

Cop #2: “What’s a shame, sir?”

 

Cop #1: “He wasn’t wearing a mask.”

 

 

Border wall (spoken by Trump)

“We’re gonna build a big, beautiful mask along our Southern border and make the cloth people pay for it. This will be the most powerful cloth known to man – with a thread-count that’s a number you don’t even know, believe me.”

 

 

Breast cancer (spoken by a modern-day Republican)

“Look, bras are basically masks for the boobs, right? So, if women wear bras, why do they still get breast cancer? Makes you think, doesn’t it?”

 

 

Joseph Chaplik

If we placed a mask over the Arizona Representative’s mouth, he’d still manage to sound stupid over social media.

 

 

So, there we have it – proof that since masks don’t work for everything, they work for nothing. Perhaps we can tell Chaplik and his ilk the same thing with regard to their manhoods and pass legislation to suggest this: If your penises don’t work for everything, they work for nothing. Yeah, I have a feeling they’d provide a starkly different reaction, and ironically enough, feel the need to protect their mini-mes with steel masks.

 

 

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.