After North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory decided it was time to sign a bill preventing the nonexistent problem of transgender individuals using public restrooms of the gender with which they identify, House Republicans became inspired to tackle other such issues.
Earlier today, House Speaker Paul Ryan made this announcement before the press:
"Before making this big announcement, I want to first thank Governor McCrory for his leadership, his morality, and perhaps most importantly, his vision - his vision for seeing things that aren't really there but could be if we try really really hard, using binoculars, while tripping on acid. Without him leading the way, I honestly don't believe anyone in the Republican-led House would have come up with our new one-of-a-kind idea to make America great again. Now that we got that out of the way, let me get to the meat of this announcement. After other House Republicans and I got together, sat down, and really thought about things for at least fifteen seconds, we decided that the best way to move this great nation forward is to pass a bill temporarily banning Muslim unicorns from entering this country. I know some people will claim we're being anti-First Amendment and anti-Muslim, but that's not true at all. We're simply pro-safety and pro-security. Let me ask you all something, would you ever want your young daughter to be alone with a Muslim unicorn? Honestly? You didn't even though about it once, did you? Well, we thought about it, probably too much, but regardless, we don't like these visuals we get of our 7-year-old girls being approached by Muslim unicorns. Go ahead and read all the debunked stories about these creatures on the Internets and I'm sure you too will feel similarly frightened. Thank you. God bless you and God bless the United States of America."
After listening to Speaker Ryan's speech, Cheech and Chong tweeted, "What in the hell has that guy been smoking?"
Earlier today, House Speaker Paul Ryan made this announcement before the press:
"Before making this big announcement, I want to first thank Governor McCrory for his leadership, his morality, and perhaps most importantly, his vision - his vision for seeing things that aren't really there but could be if we try really really hard, using binoculars, while tripping on acid. Without him leading the way, I honestly don't believe anyone in the Republican-led House would have come up with our new one-of-a-kind idea to make America great again. Now that we got that out of the way, let me get to the meat of this announcement. After other House Republicans and I got together, sat down, and really thought about things for at least fifteen seconds, we decided that the best way to move this great nation forward is to pass a bill temporarily banning Muslim unicorns from entering this country. I know some people will claim we're being anti-First Amendment and anti-Muslim, but that's not true at all. We're simply pro-safety and pro-security. Let me ask you all something, would you ever want your young daughter to be alone with a Muslim unicorn? Honestly? You didn't even though about it once, did you? Well, we thought about it, probably too much, but regardless, we don't like these visuals we get of our 7-year-old girls being approached by Muslim unicorns. Go ahead and read all the debunked stories about these creatures on the Internets and I'm sure you too will feel similarly frightened. Thank you. God bless you and God bless the United States of America."
After listening to Speaker Ryan's speech, Cheech and Chong tweeted, "What in the hell has that guy been smoking?"
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