Here is the table of contents for my book. The five portions which are in bold can only be found in the uncensored version
The Kind-Hearted Smarta** (uncensored version)
Table of Contents
Introduction - Laughter Is Possibly Inevitable
Dedication
Chapter 1 - Long Walks On the Beach
Singles Ads I’d Like To See
Apparently, Socks Make the Man
The Top Ten Signs He’s NOT “The One”
My Singles Ads
Girlfriend Application
Chapter 2 - Wanna Go Out? …and give me a story to tell?
The Top Ten Things Guys Don’t Want to Hear On a First Date
Carpet + Shoes + Boombox =
Ms. Norman Bates
Skunk Girl
Rejected By Me? Feel Free to Spread Thy Legs to the Public
Talk Talk Talky
The Top Ten Signs a Guy Is Whipped
Chapter 3 - It’s All About Me
Born To Be…
Am I Gay? No. Am I asked this very question at least once a week? Yes.
My Life Is a Shadow of My Horoscope
Katie Couric Interviews Craig Rozniecki
The Status(es) of My Face(book)
Chapter 4 - Bust Out the Milk and Cookies (Perhaps Beer and Pizza)
Mistaken For a Woman
The Driveway Adventure
The Book Bomber
Bad-Timing Experts
The Girl Without a Clue
Chapter 5 - Hypothetical Mumbo Jumbo
Wouldn’t it be funny if…?
Wouldn’t it be funny if…? (Part 2)
Chapter 6 - Rotting Brain Cells
How I Love Me Some Soaps…
I have officially popped my “Glee” cherry
Horatio Caine Fever
Chapter 7 - Besides Wasting Your Money, Buy Our Product and…
Got E.D.?
Afraid of Being Alone?
Be a Babe Magnet!
How to Lose Weight and Fast!
Political Commercials
Are George W. Bush and Sarah Palin better public speakers than you? Well, not anymore!
Presenting Twexter (Twitter + Text)
Every Kiss Does NOT Begin With Kay
What If the Shake Weight, Kay Jewelers and Cialis Joined Forces to Make a Holiday Commercial?
Chapter 8 - …and the Oscar goes to…something other than a summer sequel
“Marley & Me” Saves Families…or so I’m told
I’m Going to Protest “Paul” For Its Anti-Christian Stance! …after I see it a couple times, of course…
Chapter 9 - Putting the “Special” in Special Effects
New Year’s Resolutions
A “Special” Tom Cruise Moment
Tom Cruise On Letterman (Not Literally)
A Britney Moment On Letterman
Chapter 10 - He said what?
“I’m Not Sayin’, I’m Just Sayin’,” - Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
“A Gay Phase”
Bush Quote Commentary
Chapter 11 - Words + Ambiguity + Sarcasm + Intentional Misinterpretation =
Intentionally Misinterpreting Statements As Being Literal
Advertising Slogans with a Twist
Cliché Central
Gotta Love This Saying
The Overuse of Pronouns
Misusing Words (there/their/they’re, your/you’re, then/than and to/too/two)
“I feel nauseous.” Really? If so, I’m very sorry…
The Dirtiest of Four-Letter Words
The Irony of hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (the fear of long words)
Chapter 12 - Tweet That Blog Because Your Facebook Is In MySpace
To Blog or Not To Blog
Sympathy Blogs
Blogger’s Block
I’m Just Going to Come Out and Say It - Twitter Is Stupid
If Life Were A Tweet…
Likability Determined By Tweets
The Top Ten Twitter Pornos
Junk Mail
Chapter 13 - Jock Itch
Flight Attendants and Sports Announcers
Chad Johnson Will Again Be Chad Johnson
I’ve always wondered this about golf enthusiasts…
Chapter 14 - Chance of Accuracy Is 50%
Weather people
“Snow Reduces Visibility,” Eh? No S**t…
Chapter 15 - Getting Nasty
Sure-Fire Pick-Up Lines
Sure-Fire Pick-Up Lines (to induce laughter)
Chapter 16 - Absent of Aim, Reason or Pattern
When Sarcasm Is Taken Seriously
The Art of Exaggeration
What is it with the new trend in sunglasses?
The “Hey” Conversation
The Rear vs. The Chest
I don’t understand when…
Being gay is like smoking, eh? Me thinks not.
They’d be fun to party with, wouldn’t they? (former presidents, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton)
The Top Ten Ways to Know You’re “Special”
Doctors Crack Me Up Sometimes (not literally…)
Manly Toy Instructions
Chapter 17 - Schmuck. P-O-L-I-T-I-C-I-A-N. Schmuck.
My Attempt At Thinking Like Glenn Beck
Altering History Via Wikipedia
Gotcha Questions
Sarah Palin’s WTF Moment
It’s Now Official! We Speak English!
Weiner Tweets His Massive Tweet
Bush’s Best Moment in Office
The Top Ten Post-Presidential Jobs For George W. Bush
I find this funny about the Republican Party…
If crying were a drug, John Boehner would no longer be with us…
Taking on the John Kyl Philosophy - Speaking adamantly while making a declaration with no intent of it being factual
Chapter 18 - Thou Shalt Not Think
A Reasonable Argument For the Existence of God, Eh? Not Really…
Naming them “God” and “Devil” was quite clever
Kentucky’s Creationist Museum
What kind of a name is Joseph Smith?
The End of the World - May 21, 2011
Chapter 19 - Celebrating Family and Alcohol
War on What? Christmas?
Ten Ways to Improve Christmas
Chapter 20 - Are There Any Questions?
Survey Says…
Friendly Fire
References
Acknowledgments
About the Author
The Kind-Hearted Smarta** (uncensored version)
Table of Contents
Introduction - Laughter Is Possibly Inevitable
Dedication
Chapter 1 - Long Walks On the Beach
Singles Ads I’d Like To See
Apparently, Socks Make the Man
The Top Ten Signs He’s NOT “The One”
My Singles Ads
Girlfriend Application
Chapter 2 - Wanna Go Out? …and give me a story to tell?
The Top Ten Things Guys Don’t Want to Hear On a First Date
Carpet + Shoes + Boombox =
Ms. Norman Bates
Skunk Girl
Rejected By Me? Feel Free to Spread Thy Legs to the Public
Talk Talk Talky
The Top Ten Signs a Guy Is Whipped
Chapter 3 - It’s All About Me
Born To Be…
Am I Gay? No. Am I asked this very question at least once a week? Yes.
My Life Is a Shadow of My Horoscope
Katie Couric Interviews Craig Rozniecki
The Status(es) of My Face(book)
Chapter 4 - Bust Out the Milk and Cookies (Perhaps Beer and Pizza)
Mistaken For a Woman
The Driveway Adventure
The Book Bomber
Bad-Timing Experts
The Girl Without a Clue
Chapter 5 - Hypothetical Mumbo Jumbo
Wouldn’t it be funny if…?
Wouldn’t it be funny if…? (Part 2)
Chapter 6 - Rotting Brain Cells
How I Love Me Some Soaps…
I have officially popped my “Glee” cherry
Horatio Caine Fever
Chapter 7 - Besides Wasting Your Money, Buy Our Product and…
Got E.D.?
Afraid of Being Alone?
Be a Babe Magnet!
How to Lose Weight and Fast!
Political Commercials
Are George W. Bush and Sarah Palin better public speakers than you? Well, not anymore!
Presenting Twexter (Twitter + Text)
Every Kiss Does NOT Begin With Kay
What If the Shake Weight, Kay Jewelers and Cialis Joined Forces to Make a Holiday Commercial?
Chapter 8 - …and the Oscar goes to…something other than a summer sequel
“Marley & Me” Saves Families…or so I’m told
I’m Going to Protest “Paul” For Its Anti-Christian Stance! …after I see it a couple times, of course…
Chapter 9 - Putting the “Special” in Special Effects
New Year’s Resolutions
A “Special” Tom Cruise Moment
Tom Cruise On Letterman (Not Literally)
A Britney Moment On Letterman
Chapter 10 - He said what?
“I’m Not Sayin’, I’m Just Sayin’,” - Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
“A Gay Phase”
Bush Quote Commentary
Chapter 11 - Words + Ambiguity + Sarcasm + Intentional Misinterpretation =
Intentionally Misinterpreting Statements As Being Literal
Advertising Slogans with a Twist
Cliché Central
Gotta Love This Saying
The Overuse of Pronouns
Misusing Words (there/their/they’re, your/you’re, then/than and to/too/two)
“I feel nauseous.” Really? If so, I’m very sorry…
The Dirtiest of Four-Letter Words
The Irony of hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (the fear of long words)
Chapter 12 - Tweet That Blog Because Your Facebook Is In MySpace
To Blog or Not To Blog
Sympathy Blogs
Blogger’s Block
I’m Just Going to Come Out and Say It - Twitter Is Stupid
If Life Were A Tweet…
Likability Determined By Tweets
The Top Ten Twitter Pornos
Junk Mail
Chapter 13 - Jock Itch
Flight Attendants and Sports Announcers
Chad Johnson Will Again Be Chad Johnson
I’ve always wondered this about golf enthusiasts…
Chapter 14 - Chance of Accuracy Is 50%
Weather people
“Snow Reduces Visibility,” Eh? No S**t…
Chapter 15 - Getting Nasty
Sure-Fire Pick-Up Lines
Sure-Fire Pick-Up Lines (to induce laughter)
Chapter 16 - Absent of Aim, Reason or Pattern
When Sarcasm Is Taken Seriously
The Art of Exaggeration
What is it with the new trend in sunglasses?
The “Hey” Conversation
The Rear vs. The Chest
I don’t understand when…
Being gay is like smoking, eh? Me thinks not.
They’d be fun to party with, wouldn’t they? (former presidents, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton)
The Top Ten Ways to Know You’re “Special”
Doctors Crack Me Up Sometimes (not literally…)
Manly Toy Instructions
Chapter 17 - Schmuck. P-O-L-I-T-I-C-I-A-N. Schmuck.
My Attempt At Thinking Like Glenn Beck
Altering History Via Wikipedia
Gotcha Questions
Sarah Palin’s WTF Moment
It’s Now Official! We Speak English!
Weiner Tweets His Massive Tweet
Bush’s Best Moment in Office
The Top Ten Post-Presidential Jobs For George W. Bush
I find this funny about the Republican Party…
If crying were a drug, John Boehner would no longer be with us…
Taking on the John Kyl Philosophy - Speaking adamantly while making a declaration with no intent of it being factual
Chapter 18 - Thou Shalt Not Think
A Reasonable Argument For the Existence of God, Eh? Not Really…
Naming them “God” and “Devil” was quite clever
Kentucky’s Creationist Museum
What kind of a name is Joseph Smith?
The End of the World - May 21, 2011
Chapter 19 - Celebrating Family and Alcohol
War on What? Christmas?
Ten Ways to Improve Christmas
Chapter 20 - Are There Any Questions?
Survey Says…
Friendly Fire
References
Acknowledgments
About the Author
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