In my opinion, if there’s a best worst show on television, it’s CSI: Miami. This is for one main reason - David Caruso’s character, Horatio Caine. In fact, I typically only watch the show’s opening sequence. A body is discovered; Horatio looks the body over and has a brief discussion with Frank (detective). Frank makes an observation before Caine places on his magical sunglasses, utters a corny line and The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” starts to play. His one-liners are a reflection of Caine’s sunglasses (which I’m sure he wears at night, even in his sleep) - magical. I will now run off a few Horatio Caine-esque one-liners of my own. Be sure to have the before-mentioned song, “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” playing while reading these. Also, if you have sunglasses, I suggest you wear them as well. Here we go…
Frank: “It looks like she’s dead.”
Horatio: “She is, Frank, and she always will be.”
Frank: “It looks like this guy was a professional.”
Horatio: “Yes, Frank. He looks to be about as professional ::long pause:: as your wife.”
Frank: “It looks like he was shot.”
Horatio: “Yeah and it’s the shot that killed him.”
Frank: “Around what time do you suppose this happened?”
Horatio: “It happened, Frank, around the time that he was killed.”
Frank: “To drown a woman in a kiddie pool like that, that’s just cold.”
Horatio: “Yes, Frank. Cold and wet.”
Frank: “To fire a rocket launcher at a janitor from 2 feet away, who would do such a thing?”
Horatio: “I don’t know, Frank, but whoever did, is our murderer.”
Frank: “Do you really think your son could have killed this garbageman?”
Horatio: “I don’t know, Frank, but something sure stinks.”
Frank: “A margarine knife? This man was killed with a margarine knife?”
Horatio: “It appears that way, Frank, but at least it’s not butter.”
Frank: “I think this was a suicide. What do you think?”
Horatio: “I think, Frank, ::pause:: that suicide is for pussies.”
Frank: “So, Senator Jakoff and Ms. Johnson were… and now they’re…”
Horatio: “That’s right, Frank. They did the deed and then had the deed done to them.”
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