Introduction to my new book, "The Kind-Hearted Smarta**"

Introduction - Laughter Is Possibly Inevitable

Some people may refer to me as crazy. I like to think of myself as creative. At least, that’s what my mother, three shrinks and invisible friend, Toby, have told me.

Like with my second book, The Serious Scale of Sarcasm: More Balanced Than a High-Heeled Clown on a Tight Rope, I have collected numerous writings and attempted to order them in such a manner that, like with life, they don’t induce headaches due to a lack of order, connection or reason. Unlike my second book, which included a large quantity seriously-toned musings, this book contains no such writings. The one and only objective of The Kind-Hearted Smartass is, like with any non-comedic summer sequel, to stimulate laughter.

Ever wonder what it would be like if Cialis, Kay Jewelers and the Shake Weight joined forces to make a commercial? Probably not, but I have and have written a short story about this uproarious scenario. Have you ever contemplated about what Dick Cheney would write for a singles ad? Again, I doubt it, but I have and yes, he does like long walks on the beach, with a gun in hand and a pheasant-looking friend in front of him. Ever thought about what it would be like to get set up with a woman whom, on your third date, pretended to figure skate around the house for two consecutive hours? I really hope you haven’t, but not only have I thought about such an event, I actually experienced it first-hand!

From politicians to Twitter to religion to sports announcers to Tom Cruise to anyone whom has uttered a cliché before or used the word “like” more than five times in a sentence, I hold back no punches. I suppose there are a few exceptions to that. I do hold back punches for the following: Kids under the age of 3 months, elders named Shawniqua, Glenn Beck’s brain cells, thin employees at Dunkin’ Donuts, people with last names that contain a vowel to consonant ratio of at least 7 : 1, individuals under the age of 30 without ADD, sumo wrestlers whose lives revolve around P90X workouts and a weight-watchers plan, those whom tweet something worthy of mention, gothic Jesus freaks and gay bouncers named Rip.

For all those I didn’t just mention, I hope many laughs are to be had for you throughout The Kind-Hearted Smartass. If that doesn’t seem to be the case a couple pages in, I highly recommend inhaling a decent amount of nitrous oxide before reading any further and then giving it another go a few minutes later.