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Breaking Worthless News

"This is MSNBC's Peter Alexander reporting some very disturbing news. There's apparently a hostage situation at a New York City Starbucks. The leader of this operation has been said to be male, tall, Caucasian with incredibly pink cheeks, and likely between the ages of 46 and 47. He... Wait, hold off on that. We've just been informed of some breaking news. Correspondent Hallie Jackson is now showing us footage of Donald Trump brushing his teeth. It's unknown what toothpaste he is using, but our money is on either Arm & Hammer or Sensodyne. Anyway, back to the hostage situation. There are apparently 5-10 people being held hostage at the New York City Starbucks and... Oh, we're just getting word that Donald Trump is in line at a Chick-fil-A. Look at him standing there. What is he thinking about ordering? Our correspondent Luke Russert just tweeted that Trump will likely either go with the Chick-n-Strips Kid's Meal or the Chick-fil-A Nuggets Kid's Meal, along with some Chocolate Milk. How interesting... Oh, shots were just fired at the New York City Starbucks. We're hearing reports that three shots have been fired. This is a scary situation for everyone. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the people in that Starbucks, their friends, and families. Well, we'll get to the details of that in a little bit. Our own Chris Jansing has told us Donald Trump will likely open his mouth at any moment and words may come out, so let's go to her..."
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