In light of many far right-wing gun enthusiasts defending gun rights by saying that knives, scissors, ping-pong balls, credit cards, spoons, forks, hammers, baseball bats, and video games are just as dangerous, if not more dangerous than guns, I thought I'd have a little fun with their silly comparisons.
Situation: Bank robbery with a pair of scissors
Jeremiah Cutter: ::enters a bank with a mask on and is holding a pair of scissors:: "Everyone, put 'em up! This is a bank robbery! Everyone, give me their money! All of it!"
Lois Wrinkles: "What is that in your hand? I can't see very well anymore."
Bruno Waldorf: "It's a pair of scissors! The guy is trying to hold us up with a freaking pair of scissors! On the count of three, everyone charge after him and knock him out cold! Got it?"
Cutter: "I wouldn't do that if I were you!"
Waldorf: "Oh? Why not?"
Cutter: "You don't know where these scissors have been! These are top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art scissors! I'm just telling you, you'll be sorry if..." ::someone swipes the scissors:: "What the hell was that?"
Wrinkles: "Sorry, sonny. I needed new scissors anyway."
Cutter: "I thought you couldn't see well anymore!"
Wrinkles: "No, but I'm not scared of no scissors, you pansy!"
::Cutter starts running::
Waldorf: "Someone call 9-1-1 while I go after this putz!"
::Waldorf catches up to Cutter and takes him down just as the cops arrive::
Officer James Jelly: "Nice job, sir. So, he tried holding up a bank with scissors, eh? Sounds like he was trying to give a new definition to the phrase 'cut and run.' Ha!"
Waldorf: "That was bad..."
Jelly: "Yeah, I know. Alright, Edward Scissorman, come with me..."
Waldorf: ::facepalm::
Situation: Old fashioned western draw - a gun vs. a ping-pong ball
Clint Beastwood: "Are you ready, punk?"
Forrest Dump: "As ready as I'll ever be, sir."
Beastwood: "You really think that little ball in your hand will be able to handle me?"
Dump: "Well, let's find out!" ::throws ball prematurely and lands at the feet of Beastwood::
Beastwood: "What was that? You started early! You cheat! Whatever... Why don't you get your ball and try again? Stand closer this time."
Dump: "Alright then..." ::throws ball which lightly hits Beastwood's right shin::
Beastwood: "That was better." ::throws ball back to Dump:: "Now, stand even closer this time and chuck the ball at my head."
Dump: ::throws the ball which gently hits Beastwood's stomach::
Beastwood: ::kicks ball back to Dump:: "Okay, I'm getting bored. On the count of three, you chuck that ball at me again while I shoot. Got it?"
Dump: "Got it!"
Beastwood: "Okay then... 1...2...3!"
Dump: ::throws ball which hits Beastwood's left foot, as he gets shot in the head and died instantly::
Beastwood: "Idiot... My balls are bigger than that little thing."
Situation: An extreme ultimate fighting match - a man with a gun vs. a man with a video game
Michael Buffer: "In the red corner, making his fighting debut, standing in at 5'2'', weighing 357 lbs., and holding a .357 Magnum. He hails from Queer Creek, Alaska. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Mr. Chester 'Chubs' Beefcake!" ::applause:: "In the blue corner, also making his debut, standing in at 7'6'', weighing 342 lbs., and holding the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. He hails from Square Butte, Montana. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mr. Jerome 'Monster Man' Genocide! Now, men and women, boys and girls, and teenagers which don't really fit either label... Let's get ready to rumblllllllllllllllle!!!"
::ding ding ding::
Jerome "Monster Man" Genocide: "You're dead meat, Chubs!"
Chester "Chubs" Beefcake: ::shoots and kills Genocide:: "You were saying, Monster Man? That's what I thought! Dead meat - just how I like it! Mm mm delicious!"
Situation: Bank robbery with a pair of scissors
Jeremiah Cutter: ::enters a bank with a mask on and is holding a pair of scissors:: "Everyone, put 'em up! This is a bank robbery! Everyone, give me their money! All of it!"
Lois Wrinkles: "What is that in your hand? I can't see very well anymore."
Bruno Waldorf: "It's a pair of scissors! The guy is trying to hold us up with a freaking pair of scissors! On the count of three, everyone charge after him and knock him out cold! Got it?"
Cutter: "I wouldn't do that if I were you!"
Waldorf: "Oh? Why not?"
Cutter: "You don't know where these scissors have been! These are top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art scissors! I'm just telling you, you'll be sorry if..." ::someone swipes the scissors:: "What the hell was that?"
Wrinkles: "Sorry, sonny. I needed new scissors anyway."
Cutter: "I thought you couldn't see well anymore!"
Wrinkles: "No, but I'm not scared of no scissors, you pansy!"
::Cutter starts running::
Waldorf: "Someone call 9-1-1 while I go after this putz!"
::Waldorf catches up to Cutter and takes him down just as the cops arrive::
Officer James Jelly: "Nice job, sir. So, he tried holding up a bank with scissors, eh? Sounds like he was trying to give a new definition to the phrase 'cut and run.' Ha!"
Waldorf: "That was bad..."
Jelly: "Yeah, I know. Alright, Edward Scissorman, come with me..."
Waldorf: ::facepalm::
Situation: Old fashioned western draw - a gun vs. a ping-pong ball
Clint Beastwood: "Are you ready, punk?"
Forrest Dump: "As ready as I'll ever be, sir."
Beastwood: "You really think that little ball in your hand will be able to handle me?"
Dump: "Well, let's find out!" ::throws ball prematurely and lands at the feet of Beastwood::
Beastwood: "What was that? You started early! You cheat! Whatever... Why don't you get your ball and try again? Stand closer this time."
Dump: "Alright then..." ::throws ball which lightly hits Beastwood's right shin::
Beastwood: "That was better." ::throws ball back to Dump:: "Now, stand even closer this time and chuck the ball at my head."
Dump: ::throws the ball which gently hits Beastwood's stomach::
Beastwood: ::kicks ball back to Dump:: "Okay, I'm getting bored. On the count of three, you chuck that ball at me again while I shoot. Got it?"
Dump: "Got it!"
Beastwood: "Okay then... 1...2...3!"
Dump: ::throws ball which hits Beastwood's left foot, as he gets shot in the head and died instantly::
Beastwood: "Idiot... My balls are bigger than that little thing."
Situation: An extreme ultimate fighting match - a man with a gun vs. a man with a video game
Michael Buffer: "In the red corner, making his fighting debut, standing in at 5'2'', weighing 357 lbs., and holding a .357 Magnum. He hails from Queer Creek, Alaska. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Mr. Chester 'Chubs' Beefcake!" ::applause:: "In the blue corner, also making his debut, standing in at 7'6'', weighing 342 lbs., and holding the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. He hails from Square Butte, Montana. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mr. Jerome 'Monster Man' Genocide! Now, men and women, boys and girls, and teenagers which don't really fit either label... Let's get ready to rumblllllllllllllllle!!!"
::ding ding ding::
Jerome "Monster Man" Genocide: "You're dead meat, Chubs!"
Chester "Chubs" Beefcake: ::shoots and kills Genocide:: "You were saying, Monster Man? That's what I thought! Dead meat - just how I like it! Mm mm delicious!"
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