The Tea Party should be called the Huggies Party

More and more, the Tea Party is coming across to me like little kids trying to prove their independence and make their parents proud. While the thought of complete freedom and independence is great, one would have to be in serious denial to think it's actually possible. Here are two short stories to illustrate that point.

Setting: A Tea Partier having a drink with a friend at a bar called O'Really's?

Ted Putz: "You know what I hate more than anything?"

Lionel Rationale: "This should be good... No, what?"

Putz: "Obamacare"

Rationale: "Oh yeah? Why's that?"

Putz: "Because it's taking away our freedoms! It's destroying the greatness that this nation was founded upon!"

Rationale: "So you no longer feel free because of Obamacare?"

Putz: "No, not at all! In fact, I won't feel free until we're without government. We don't need it! We can take care of ourselves! I know I can!"

Rationale: "There's no need for government whatsoever?"

Putz: "No, not unless you're a Commie!"

Rationale: "Interesting... Don't you drive a car?"

Putz: "Yeah, so? What's your point?"

Rationale: "The government helps fund the roads you drive on, you know... How would you drive to work and back every day without these roads?"

Putz: "I'd find a way."

Rationale: "Okay, but how?"

Putz: "I don't know. I just would!"

Rationale: "Alright. Weren't you educated in public schools? Where would you have gotten your education if the government didn't help fund those institutions?"

Putz: "My folks could have taught me! They're the smartest people in the world!"

Rationale: "Aren't they still trying to earn their GEDs?"

Putz: "They've given up for the time being, but still... I'd be fine without a public education."

Rationale: "Have you ever needed emergency help from the police or firefighters?"

Putz: "You know my folks burned down our house a few years back after trying to make an indoor bonfire."

Rationale: "...and they're the smartest people in the world? Nevermind... Okay, so what would you have done without the help of firefighters?"

Putz: "I could have done that - no problem. I'd just drink a ton of alcohol and water, and after breaking the seal, I'd pee all over the fire to put it out."

Rationale: "Okay then... What about student loans, and weren't you on Medicaid for a little while?"

Putz: "Still am... Look - I see what you're trying to do and it's not going to work! I can take care of myself and don't need the government's help! Never have and never will!"

Rationale: "But you just said you have, continue to do so, and probably will in the future..."

Putz: "Whatever! Shut-up! Commie!"

Rationale: "Hey, bartender? I think I should probably cash out. Thanks."


Setting: Little boy at home after school

Ted Putz, Jr.: "Look, mom! I went to school all by myself!"

Marcia Wishiwasnota-Putz: "Well, your father drove you, but yeah..."

Ted: "If I can do that, I can do anything!"

Marcia: "Sure, you can, sweetie." ::pats him on the head::

Ted: "I'm going to go outside now and ride my bike, the way I always have!"

Marcia: "Don't trip on the training wheels again. It took your father and I long enough to teach you to ride that thing with training wheels. The last thing we need is you stumbling over them again. I fear the day when we actually teach you to ride it without training wheels."

Ted: "What, mom?"

Marcia: "Oh, nothing. Have fun, but be back in before long, because supper will be ready soon. Okay?"

Ted: "Okay, mom" ::gets to his bike:: "Freedom!" ::trips over the training wheels:: "Ow! Mommy! Help!"

Marcia: ::was watching him while the food was cooking:: "Oh, honey, are you okay? It's okay, sweetie. Mommy's here."

Ted: ::cries:: "I'm a big kid now."

Marcia: ::laughs:: "Yes, you most certainly are. Now let's go inside. I'll put a band-aid on that boo-boo and make it feel all better. Then we can eat dinner and have some ice cream!"