Ever since Democratic presidential nominee, Kamala Harris, did an interview with Brett Baier on Fox News, I’ve heard calls for Donald Trump to give an interview on MSNBC. Of course that’s not going to happen, but it’s fun to think about, isn’t it? So fun, in fact, I decided to write it out, as if it did actually occur.
...and action.
“Good evening, and welcome to a very special edition of ‘The Last Word.’ I’m your host, Lawrence O’Donnell, and with me tonight for an exclusive, one-on-one interview, is Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump. Mr. Trump, welcome.”
Trump: “Thank you, Lester.”
O’Donnell: “That’s Lawrence, but let’s focus on more pressing matters. During your first term, you implemented tariffs against China. This has cost American taxpayers $230 million, as of March of this year. In your current run for a second term, you’ve continually talked about implementing more tariffs, which economists have unanimously agreed would harm Americans’ wallets. What is your response to them?”
Trump: “My response, Leslie, is these economists don’t know what in the hell they’re talking about. I know more about money than anyone in the world. With me, money literally grows on trees. I’ve seen it. You’ve seen it. The whole world has seen it.”
O’Donnell: “For the record, I’ve never seen money literally grow on trees.”
Trump: “You haven’t been looking then. You should probably see a proctologist.”
O’Donnell: “I think you mean optometrist.”
Trump: “That’s your opinion. Fake news.”
O’Donnell: “No, Mr. Trump, it’s a fact.”
Trump: “So says you”
O’Donnell: “So says everybody”
Trump: “Not me”
O’Donnell: “Besides you. Look, can we get back to the question? Do you even know what a ‘tariff’ is?”
Trump: “Of course I do. Think I’m stupid or something?”
O’Donnell: “I never said that. ...to your face. I’m just asking, do you know what a ‘tariff’ is?”
Trump: “A ‘tariff’ is something Oprah gave everyone on her show one time.”
O’Donnell: “No”
Trump: “A ‘tariff’ is a terrorist who asks a lot of hypothetical questions.”
O’Donnell: “No again. Give up?”
Trump: “Can I buy a ‘s’?”
O’Donnell: “That’s not even a vowel.”
Trump: “Again, your opinion”
O’Donnell: “Fine, next question”
Trump: “Wait, so what is a ‘tariff’?”
O’Donnell: “’A tax or duty to be paid on a particular class of imports or exports.’”
Trump: “Where’d you see that?”
O’Donnell: “The dictionary”
Trump: “Fake book”
O’Donnell: “Can we move on please? My next question deals with some of your controversial rhetoric. You have said you’d be a dictator on day 1, if you won this election. You've said there would be a ‘bloodbath’ if you lost the election. Most recently, you have threatened liberals and Democrats with military violence if you win on November 5th. Would you like to clear the air regarding any of these quotes, perhaps even apologize?”
Trump: “I see it like this, Leonard. Windmills are killing whales. Sharks are electrocuting paddleboats. Unicorns are spreading herpes. Can you believe that? It’s the craziest thing. I remember I was golfing one time. There was a hole. I had a stick. I hit a ball with the stick toward the hole, and the ball got closer to the hole. Just by a couple of inches. It was amazing, simply amazing. My wife, Ivanka, was there...”
O’Donnell: “Do you mean Melania?”
Trump: “No, my daughter, Ivanka”
O’Donnell: “You said, ‘my wife Ivanka.’”
Trump: “No, I didn’t. Ivanka is my daughter, for crying out loud. But, I mean, if it were legal, and...”
O’Donnell: “I’m going to stop you right there.”
Trump: “She’s a 10. My daughter is a 10. I’ve often thought about her...”
O’Donnell: “This is a family program, Mr. Trump.”
Trump: “Exactly. That’s why I’m talking about wanting to bang a member of my family – my daughter.”
O’Donnell: “...and that’s what I was trying to stop you from saying.”
Trump: “What? Are you the PC-police or something? Censorship. That’s all you libtards know to do.”
O’Donnell: “Mr. Trump, with all due respect, declaring that you want to bang your own daughter has been frowned upon, even since before political-correctness became a thing.”
Trump: “Wrong”
O’Donnell: “How would you respond to any other father who said he wanted to bang his own daughter?”
Trump: “Gross”
O’Donnell: “There you go. So, now can you understand why others would think it’s gross for you to declare you want to bang your daughter?”
Trump: “That’s an apples and oranges comparison – more like apples and melons. Ivanka sure does have a nice pair of...”
O’Donnell: “Mr. Trump, please behave.”
Trump: “You behave.”
O’Donnell: “Moving on... You often claim to be a president of peace, that no wars existed in your 4 years in office. Yet you also regularly showcase admiration for dictators, such as: Kim Jong Un, Viktor Orban, Vladimir Putin, and even Adolf Hitler. How can you be a president of peace, when you admire the aforementioned dictators? Also, your former Chief of Staff, John Kelly, claimed you told him, “Hitler did some good things.” What good things did Adolf Hitler ever do?”
Trump: “First off, that’s a misquote. Kelly is lying. I never said, ‘Hitler did some good things;’ I said, ‘Hitler did A LOT of good things.’”
O’Donnell: “Wow... Please continue.”
Trump: “Secondly, Hitler discovered America.”
O’Donnell: “That is nowhere close to being true.”
Trump: “Look it up, JLaw. Hitler came over here in the Reichstag Maria.”
O’Donnell: “You can’t be serious.”
Trump: “I haven’t been this serious since, on ‘Celebrity Jeopardy,’ I said the capital of New York was ‘Oklahoma City.’”
O’Donnell: “The capital of New York is Albany. Oklahoma City is in Oklahoma.”
Trump: “What is?”
O’Donnell: “Again, New York’s capital is Albany, while Oklahoma’s capital is Oklahoma City.”
Trump: “No, Alex didn’t accept my answer because I didn’t say, ‘What is Oklahoma City?’”
O’Donnell: “The capital of Oklahoma”
Trump: “The capital of New York, I mean, ‘What is the capital of New York?’”
O’Donnell: “Albany”
Trump: “You have to say it in the form of a question.”
O’Donnell: “This is getting ridiculous. You claim you’re a big supporter of Israel, correct?”
Trump: “I love the Jews, 100%. They always love making a deal.”
O’Donnell: “Mr. Trump, please... So, what you’re saying is you 100% support the Jewish people of Israel, yet you also admire Adolf Hitler, who was responsible for the deaths of millions of Jews during the Holocaust? Did I get that right?”
Trump: “Well, when you put it like that... Yes, yes, that’s true.”
O’Donnell: “I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now.”
Trump: “Words. Real words. I have the best words, believe me.”
O’Donnell: “Yes, ‘covfefe,’ I know... Anyway, after you lost the 2020 election...”
Trump: “Never lost. Rigged. Fake loss. Dead people. Illegals. Zombies.”
O’Donnell: “As I was saying, after you lost the 2020 election, you refused to concede to your opponent, President Joe Biden. You then incited an insurrection on the U.S. Capitol, in an attempt to overturn the results. If, if you lose in the upcoming election, do you vow to concede to Kamala Harris, and in a peaceful manner?”
Trump: “I’m all about the peace, JLo. Just ask Orby, Puty, or the Korean dude.”
O’Donnell: “Even if I were to ask them, and they said you are a peaceful man and leader, I don’t think such a declaration, made by vicious dictators, would be a very ringing endorsement.”
Trump: “You’re just jealous.”
O’Donnell: “Jealous of receiving hypothetical compliments from vicious dictators? Not hardly.”
Trump: “So jelly”
O’Donnell: “For my final questions, we’re going to turn our attention to religion. You’ve often compared yourself to Jesus. Tell me, have you ever actually read the Bible? If so, what is something you learned from reading it and what is your favorite book?”
Trump: “Yes, I’ve read the Bible back to front many times. My favorite books would probably have to be: Two Peters, Three Johns, Hey Jude, Nehemiah Was a Bullfrog, Dude You’re Hot On Me, and Better Than Ezra. I think what I learned is that donkeys are asses.”
O’Donnell: “Thank you, Mr. Trump, for your time with us today.”
Trump: “Sure, whatever, anytime, Lawrence.”
O’Donnell: “Wow, you got my name right.”
Trump: “See ya, Luke”
O’Donnell: “You just had to do it again, didn’t you? This has been ‘The Last Word.’ I’m Lawrence O’Donnell. Goodnight, America.”
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