Am I gay? No. Am I asked this very question at least once a week? Yes.

Just last week, I went to a concert at a local bar and when I went up to the dance floor and began dancing with a woman, what was the first thing she said to me?

“Are you gay?”

I had to scratch my head a bit, smiled and asked, “What was that?”

She again asked, “Are you gay?”

When I responded with a no, I honestly wonder if she believed me.

This was not a rare occurrence for me. In fact, I’d say this happens 1 out of every 2 times I go out.

I went to a pub a few months ago and one lady there would not leave me alone about it.

She asked me, “Are you married?”

I responded with a no.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

No again.

“Are you gay?

No.

She didn’t seem to buy that and carried on, “You have to be gay. You’re hot. Come on, a hot single guy your age? You have to be gay. Just come out with it. It’s okay. I’m not going to judge you. Let this be your night you come out.”

This continued for several minutes before she started going around the bar and asking women, “Isn’t he hot?” That was an interesting night, to say the least.

I’ve been asked this by women my own age, guys around my age, older men and women, even horses and dogs.

So, why is this? Do I give off some kind of gay vibe? One theory I heard is because I’m too nice, sensitive and actually listen. Another told me it’s because women can’t believe such a great, good-looking guy is single. It could also deal with some of my hobbies and interests, as I enjoy: Reading, writing (poetry included), foreign films and re-enacting “Brokeback Mountain”.

I’ve also noticed with more regularity that guys have been checking me out. Well, I haven’t noticed this, but friends and family members of mine (my mother, in particular) have noticed this.

So, I’m beginning to wonder about my orientation. I’ve always been sexually attracted to the opposite sex. I’ve never had a physical relationship with a male nor desired one. With so many guys checking me out and so many others thinking I may lean that very direction, does that mean I am in fact gay?

I figure I have to change my philosophy a bit in order to alter others’ perception of me. I will need to do one (or more preferably) of the following:

1. Wear a wife-beater with writing on it that reads, “Your girlfriend was good last night.”
2. Chug beer while listening to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” and watching Baywatch.
3. Carry with me a porn collection on my cell phone and no gay porn at that.
4. Always talk about what I want to do to an attractive woman I don’t know whom just walked into the bar. This may not include: Shopping, cooking, knitting or watching Glee.
5. Be classy when ordering a woman a drink - a Bud Light.
6. Go into detail about sexual experiences I didn’t have.
7. Hit on women by using the line, “I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?”
8. Yell obscenities at the television screen when watching: Wrestling, boxing, football or darts.
9. Don’t ever admit that another man is good looking, other than myself.
10. Make grunting noises when talking about cars, weight lifting or Monica Seles.

I may have my work cut out for me, but I have confidence that if I follow the before-mentioned guidelines, even if I just follow through with one, people will see me for who I really am and not who they want to see me as, which is, evidently, a gay man.