Here’s how I see the potential September 10th debate going…
Linsey Davis: “Good evening, and welcome to tonight’s presidential debate, between Vice President Kamala Harris and former president Donald Trump. This debate will be moderated by the man next to me, David Muir, and yours truly, Linsey Davis. Ms. Harris, Mr. Trump, welcome.”
Kamala Harris/Donald Trump: “Thank you.”
Davis: “We flipped a coin to decide who would answer first. For the record, Ms. Harris won the toss, but said, and I quote, ‘I’ll let Donald have it. The sad little loser has never won anything before, and I’m feeling extra generous today.’”
Harris: “That’s correct.”
Trump: “Wait, what?”
Davis: “Mr. Trump, you’ve often talked about ‘tariffs’ being a critical component of your economic agenda moving forward. As of March of this year, the tariffs you implemented in your first term had cost American taxpayers an estimated $230B. So, my question to you is, do you know what ‘tariffs’ are, and if so, what are they?”
Trump: “Are you serious?”
Davis: “I’ve never been so serious about anything in my entire life.”
Trump: “Very well, Valerie.”
Davis: “It’s Linsey.”
Trump: “That’s what I said.”
Davis: “Whatever. Please answer the question.”
Trump: “’Tariffs’ are like the untax. They’re free. They’re not a tax, and you know, items, groceries, things, tariffs makes them cheaper, automatically. It’s like magic. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Davis: “A ‘tariff’ is literally a tax.”
Trump: “No, it’s not. You’re wrong.”
Davis: “Wanna bet?”
Trump: “How much?”
Davis: “All the money you don’t have, but say you do.”
Trump: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Davis: “Accepted. The definition of ‘tariff’ is ‘a tax or duty to be paid on a particular class of imports or exports.’”
Trump: “You see? Not a tax.”
Davis: “Did you hear what I said? It IS a tax.”
Trump: “Not a tax.”
Davis: “Moving on… Vice President Harris, the economy under President Joe Biden has been termed ‘Bidenomics’ by many. Is it your plan to stay the course with ‘Bidenomics’ or alter it in some way to make it ‘Kamalanomics’?”
Harris: “I am very proud of what President Biden has accomplished in his going on 4 years as leader of this great nation and I’ll be proud to continue building off the solid foundation he’s laid before us.”
Davis: “What about inflation?”
Harris: “What about it? Please elaborate.”
Davis: “Isn’t it like bad and stuff?”
Harris: “Look, the guy next to me – Donald Trump – left President Biden and I a mess. He failed in his response to COVID. He was the least prepared leader across the globe. The guy said, on 38 separate occasions, through the first 9 months of the pandemic, ‘COVID will disappear.’ That’s what he said. States couldn’t help but implement lockdowns, to try and limit the repercussions of Donald Trump’s ineptitude. Tens of millions of jobs were lost, and when the lockdowns were lifted, supply could not come close to matching demand. This is what prompted the rise in inflation.”
Davis: “What will you do about it?”
Harris: “I’m getting to that. The rise in inflation began on Donald Trump’s watch. It continued during President Biden’s first year or so. What happened? We brought jobs back, #1. We passed the Inflation Reduction Act, which no Republican voted for, #2. The Fed increased interest rates, #3. As we’ve seen, inflation has decreased from 9.1% to 2.9%, and we’re on the cusp of seeing inflation continue to trend downward to 2.0%, and see the Fed lower interest rates as a result.”
Davis: “Mr. Trump, I see you waving something tiny. What is that, your hand?”
Trump: “Yes, I’d like to respond.”
Davis: “Very well”
Trump: “Inflation is like the fried chicken of bacon.”
Davis: “What?”
Trump: “Someone had to say it. I did. So sue me.”
Davis: “Okay then. I’ll now allow my partner in crime – David Muir – to take the next round of questions.”
Muir: “Thank you, Linsey. This time I’ll start with Vice President Harris. Ms. Harris, you’ve long been referred to as a champion of reproductive rights. Given the overturn of Roe v. Wade in the Supreme Court, how would you tackle this issue if elected?”
Harris: “I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d have Congress pass a law, guaranteeing women full reproductive rights nationwide. The men in the Supreme Court think they can take away women’s rights? Just wait til you put a woman in charge!”
Muir: “Mr. Trump, your response?”
Trump: “It’ll never happen. With all these green energy policies, we’ll soon be without babies. Windmills are killing babies in the 3rd trimester. Somehow these women are bouncing high off trampolines and getting cut open by these damn windmills, killing their babies. It’s happening all over and it’s because of illegal immigration and sharks.”
Muir: “Alright. My next question goes to you, Mr. former president. You’ve gone back and forth on your abortion stance. In the late ‘90s, you said you were ‘very pro-choice.’ In your first run for office, you said women should get punished for having abortions. Recently, you’ve said women should have more than 6 weeks to get an abortion, before quickly changing your mind and going the opposite direction. So, where do you actually stand on the issue of abortion?”
Trump: “All babies should be aborted.”
Muir: “Excuse me? Did I hear that correctly? You think all babies should be aborted?”
Trump: “None of them, I said none of them.”
Muir: “No, you said all of them.”
Trump: “No, I said all of them, except for Jesus.”
Muir: “Is that your final answer?”
Trump: “Can I phone a friend?”
Muir: “I’m afraid not.”
Trump: “Then yes, final answer.”
Muir: “Okay, so you think all babies should be aborted, except for Jesus?”
Trump: “That’s not what I said.”
Muir: “Yes, it was.”
Trump: “Okay, so it was. Yeah, I said it, I think. Did I say it?”
Muir: “Yes”
Trump: “Yeah, yeah, that sounds right.”
Davis: “Mr. Trump, we’ll begin this round of questioning with you. On multiple occasions, you’ve said you’d issue a mass deportation of undocumented immigrants. How could this be done and are you afraid of the potential economic repercussions, if you were to follow through with this? Many economists have said a mass deportation, like the one you’ve called for, could bring us an economic crash.”
Trump: “Economists don’t know economics like I know economics. I know economists better than even the economics do, bigly.”
Davis: “I think you reversed ‘economists’ and ‘economics’ there.”
Trump: “No, I didn’t. ‘Economics’ is the study of economists. Look it up.”
Davis: “I did and that’s not correct.”
Trump: “Potato. Tomato.”
Davis: “You never answered my question.”
Trump: “Which was?”
Davis: “Remember, illegal immigration?”
Trump: “I’m against it.”
Davis: “No, your mass deportation idea?”
Trump: “I’m for it.”
Davis: “Vice President Harris, you have come under scrutiny for how you and the president have handled immigration during your term. How do you respond to the criticisms?”
Harris: “Talk to your Republican Senators.”
Davis: “What do you mean by that?”
Harris: “We had a bipartisan border-security bill ready to go. It was written by one of the most conservative Senators in Congress. President Biden said he’d sign it. But Donald Trump told Republican Senators to kill the bill, because he feared it’d hurt him politically. So, call your Republican Senators and tell them to get on board with the bill and place country over Donald Trump.”
Trump: “Excuse me, excuse me”
Davis: “Yes?”
Trump: “Excuse me, I’d like to respond. I didn’t tell anyone to kill the bill. I just told them to never pass it.”
Harris: “That’s the same damn thing!”
Trump: “No, no, no, let me explain it to you, Comrade Harris.”
Harris: “Hey, I’m not the one who’s in bed with a Russian dictator.”
Trump: “Communist!”
Harris: “Aw, does he have you by the tiny wittle rubles?”
Trump: “Look, I never told anyone to kill the bill. I just said, ‘Hey, you know that border bill? Make it die, quick and painless.’”
Harris: “So, you didn’t order the Senate to kill the bill, you just ordered them to kill the bill quickly and painlessly?”
Trump: “Yes, more or less”
Muir: “Vice President Harris, you’ve received criticism, from both the left and right, for how you handled some cases as California Attorney General. For example, you imposed penalties for those who had smoked marijuana. What do you say to them?”
Harris: “It’s like this. Marijuana was illegal when I was the Attorney General of California. I didn’t agree with the law, but that’s what it was. So, and you can look at my record, for such infractions, I typically sought minimal punishment – which means no imprisonments. I received flak from the right for that, but I stand by my decisions. When it comes to prison sentences, we need to focus our attention on violent offenders, not drug offenders.”
Muir: “What about your stance on the death penalty? Are you anti-capital punishment?”
Harris: “The death penalty costs taxpayers a hell of a lot more money than life imprisonment. If we completely did away with the death penalty, we could spend more money on law enforcement, education, and other means to continue decreasing violent crime in this country.”
Muir: “Mr. Trump, do you have a response?”
Trump: “My daughter Ivanka is pretty hot.”
Muir: “Please stay on topic, sir.”
Trump: “I mean, she’s not even a 10; she’s like an 11, which is so much more than 10!”
Muir: “Mr. Trump, please…”
Trump: “I’ve said this lots of times. If she weren’t my daughter, I’d, I mean, you know…”
Muir: “For the last time, Mr. Trump, do you have a response to Ms. Harris’s comments on drug offenses and capital punishment?”
Trump: “Yeah, I think people should be killed in all cities, not just state capitals.”
Muir: “Would you like to think that over and possibly revise your comment?”
Trump: “Covfefe”
Muir: “I’ll take that as a no. Speaking of crime, you’ve been convicted of 34 felonies and charged with 54 additional felonies. Not only that, you’ve been found liable for fraud, defamation, and even rape. How do you respond to those who say a convicted felon shouldn’t be allowed to run for president?”
Trump: “I say I will find them and I will kill them.”
Muir: “Are you sending death threats at a live debate?”
Trump: “No, not threats. I’m just telling them what will happen. It’s more a statement of fact.”
Muir: “So, let me get this straight: If you hear anyone call you a convicted felon, you will commit more felonies, by killing them?”
Trump: “No, no, I won’t kill them.”
Muir: “Thank God…”
Trump: “I’ll have someone else do it.”
:: ABC News is experiencing some technical difficulties. We shall return momentarily. ::
Muir: “Welcome back. Our apologies for the technical problems. We will now close our debate by asking the two candidates the same question. Linsey, if you would please…”
Davis: “Thank you, David. Ms. Harris, Mr. Trump, why should the American people vote for you? We’ll start with Vice President Harris this time.”
Harris: “Thank you Linsey, David, ABC, and all the people watching. America, we’re at a crossroads. We can either continue building on the strong foundation we’ve established these past 4 years or we can go back to the: unprofessionalism, mean tweets, racism, sexism, empty rhetoric, and ill-preparedness from Donald Trump’s time in office. The question is often asked during election season, ‘Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?’ Do you remember where you were 4 years ago? Possibly stuck at home, without a job, sick, having trouble finding toilet paper at grocery stores, fearful for friends and family members on ventilators? Then look at where we are today. We’re past peak COVID. Jobs are back and thensome. Wages are up and outpacing inflation, which has been on the decline for well over a year. Homicides are down. Gun violence is down. Robberies, rapes, and thefts are down. Things are better, much, much better. We have made it a point to invest in your future. Please give me a chance to continue that. I’m not asking you to just vote for me. I’m asking you to let me invest in you. Let’s work together to move past the dark chapter that was 4 years ago and onto a better, brighter tomorrow. Thank you.”
Trump: “The United States of America is in tampons. What a sh*thole country this is. ABC will probably bleep that, because of censorship. That’s the thing, folks. We should be allowed to say the United States is a sh*thole country whenever we want, wherever we want, however we want, whyever we want, whatever we want. Family values, folks. Family values. And patriotism. Can’t forget that. America is a sh*thole country. That’s family values and patriotism. Don’t ever forget that. I’m like Jesus. Some people say I’m the Second Coming of him, but I say First. I’m the first coming of Jesus. It’s almost like I came before Jesus and Jesus became my clone or something. I will always come before Jesus, folks, always. I love Russia, North Korea, and their leaders, because I believe in freedom and democracy. You can’t spell ‘democracy’ without ‘dictator.’ That’s a fact. That’s a fact. I promise to be your dictator on day 1. If that word scares you, just think of it this way – some people think I’m a d*ck and sometimes I like to eat tater tots. What’s the big deal? Vote for me and I’ll turn this sh*thole country into a whole lot of Jesus, d*cks, and tater tots. Thank you.”
Muir: “That’s it for tonight. Thank you for joining Linsey and myself. I hope you learned a thing or two and be sure to vote on November 5th! I’m off to inject some Lysol into my veins.”
Trump: “IT WORKS!”
Muir: “Shut-up, I was kidding! I’m going to get wasted! Goodnight everyone.”
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