A Fear-Inducing Sermon For Fear-Inducing Preachers

Especially nowadays, with the rise in televangelists and mega-churches, it seems that preachers are increasingly getting paid for inducing fear in others. Sure, it's always been that way. Let's look at the condensed version of the age-old sermon:

"If you accept Jesus as your lord and savior, you will be saved and sent to the kingdom of heaven to join him after this life. If you don't accept him as such, however, you will be sent to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity! If this scares you and you want to continue to get scared, please donate some money to this church. Thanks."

With all of the technological expansions through the years, however, such fear-inducing sermons have appeared to become more widespread and more over-the-top than ever before. Whenever something bad gets reported, such as a damaging storm, violence, an outbreak of an illness, etc., at least one preacher will say, "This could be a sign from God that the end of times is near!" Yes, they've been pushing this end-of-the-world idea for quite some time, but now just have more avenues on which to spread the message. How I wish I could have had a psychic vision of these fear-inducing sermons before they started and given the following sermon (yes, I'd use a time-machine to record the sermon and place it on YouTube):

"There's something I have to tell all of you right now. In the not-too-distant future, people are going to start talking, and I'm not talking chit-chat type of talking; I'm talking crazy-talk talking. They're going to use this talk to strike fear into your minds and hearts, try to get you to empty your wallets as a result, and limit you on your potential. These people are going to tell you an invisible man created this world in just 6 days and that he is in control of all of our destinies. They're going to tell us about a virgin woman who gave birth to a baby that was perfect. These people will say that this perfect baby sacrificed himself for all of our sins and then rose again 3 days later. They'll say that in order to meet this perfect being, you'll have to worship him, and if you do this, you'll be rewarded after this life by being sent to an indescribable paradise, not unlike Hawaii. If you don't worship him, however, they'll say you're going to burn for all of eternity, just like some already do in the Middle East. I know you all probably think I'm crazy right now, but after the talk starts, you'll understand. These people are also going to say men are superior to women, even though, without women, men couldn't have been born. They'll say you also have to believe everything they believe in order to have a great afterlife, even though these beliefs alter through the times. Every time something bad happens in the world, they'll say it could be the end of days and this invisible being could end the world at any moment. Yes, they'll say this quite frequently, so much so that you start marking each Monday down as a possible end-of-the-world day. These people will also find groups to blame for the possible Armageddon - mostly men that like other men and women that like other women, because, well, I'm not sure why to be perfectly honest. Maybe they're jealous of Elton John's voice or something. Ah, yes, that's a few years from now. Trust me - he's something special. I'll bring "Rocket Man" back for you to listen to sometime. Back to the topic at hand, these crazy-talkers will try to frighten you into going against what you feel is right in your heart because you think this bogeyman may come to get you. They'll try to frighten you into not trying new things and expanding your horizons, because according to them, this invisible man could strike you down at any moment. They'll try to frighten you to a point where you're fearful of loving, accepting, and just being yourself. So, when you start hearing these crazy-talks, don't listen to them! Be strong! Take pride in who you are! Dare to dream! Reach for the stars! ...and don't let this invisible monster in your closet prevent you from making the most of yourself and this life! Oh, and if you're in a relationship with a virgin guy, ladies, and you get pregnant, let's not pull out the I'm-still-a-virgin card, okay?"

Amen.

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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